Little slice of sanity

Wow! Some days I absolutely love my job!
I have never been to Mauritius but I am totally in love and definitely bidding to come back. Even just 24 hours here gives me enough to relax, recharge and feel like I have been on a weeks holiday!

I decided as soon as I saw Mauritius on my roster that I would be giving myself a break from the detox/weight loss for one night and truly enjoy some cocktails and down time. I did not think that I would have managed to wrangle some free cocktails but also end up with a bill for 9 pina coladas by the end of it but thankfully not all of them were mine... I don't think...! I cannot remember the last time I had a cocktail and I think it was actually last May when we went to Vegas!!! Unbelievable.

So after way too much food and a few too many drinks this morning I went straight back on to the detox plan and was very surprised to find out that the Aloe gel is a rather wonderful hangover cure. It required a double shot but I was able to get straight up and go out Kayaking. The water is beautifully clear and freakishly cold! Not what I was expecting as I sashayed into the water with my paddle only to end up doing the shocked "holy crap its cold" breathing as my legs lost feeling. Certainly focuses the mind to make sure you don't fall in though!
An hour of kayaking and an hour of walking along the beaches and I think I am fine in giving the gym a miss! Next time I might head out on one of the boats and check out the neighbouring islands. As I said, sometimes I really do love my job and today is definitely one of them.

Talking to the girls on Skype is hard, my littlest has started crying every time she sees me so it always makes you feel a little guilty and I hate not being able to comfort her with a cuddle. The eldest keeps asking if I am bringing home a Kangaroo ever since my trip to Australia and Im starting to think I need to show her a real life size kangaroo so she is aware that I will NEVER be bringing one home!!! She is well into the terrible twos and is pushing both my husband and I to the limit. I find it hard and upsetting especially when I am tired as we seem to spend all day at loggerheads and it is truly exhausting. I genuinely miss my little girl, she is in there somewhere I know but the enormity of her frustration, emotion and stubbornness is taking over at the moment. It must be scary for her too and while I try to remind myself that she is experiencing so many new emotions and trying to deal with her own stuff, it doesn't make it any easier.

Talking to the Captain yesterday and I have decided to put together a "what really happens" list of the hilarious stories I have experienced or heard that have happened on flights or layovers. Honestly you won't believe half of them but I swear they do happen. It should give you a laugh at least.

Time to head home now, landing back in the wee small hours of the morning and hoping that I may be able to sneak a few hours sleep in before the eldest demands my attention! I'll make a start on that list on the way....!

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Out of the fog

A post from rainy Thailand, at the moment with my work schedule my time at home with my girls is precious so I get much more done on layovers!

A while ago I wrote a blogpost that I subsequently deleted. Not for any reason other than it was not "right". I don't mean that it was illegal or rude or anything like that but it just didn't feel like it should be there. It was written when I was probably at my very lowest point after having my second baby, I was in a fog, in a slump and really questioning my sanity.
Ill post the poem that I wrote at the time:

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Two beautiful souls brought into this world

Their first breaths, their smiles, a sight to behold

A gift some say, and they would be right

Though sometimes forgotten in the middle of the night

Not one to return or refund or swap

Not one you can buy in any old shop

But here they are and at what cost

Do we ever stop to ask what we have lost

I bare the scars from each today

Some go, some fade, but some will stay

Externally for all to see

Tiger stripes on a mummy tummy

No longer just me but a wife and a Mother

Life forever altered in a way like no other

Body, spirit, mind all changed

It's still worth the losses for all that we've gained

But who am I? And where am I going?

The mental scars are the ones not showing

Born again, a new persona to try

Head up, stomach in and try not to cry

The days on repeat, not a moment alone

No peace or space in your very own home

When I emerge from the fog, finally free

Will I know who I am? Will I still be me?

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Most mothers will recognise the feelings in this one, and the post essentially focused around not knowing who I was any more. It was sad, dark and not something that I wanted to keep and certainly something I never wanted my girls to read. The thoughts and concerns in the poem are real though and a softer version of how I was emotionally so I don't mind sharing that.

Yesterday was the day that I realised that these fears aren't there any more. Neither is the fog. I cannot tell you what a relief it is. The cliche of stepping out of the shadow and feeling the sun on your face is ringing in my ears right now but only because it is SO true! My littlest is nearly 8 months old and I only now can say..

I AM BACK!!!!!!

I can't pin point the exact moment it happened or what specifically snapped me out of it. Trust me I wish I could because I would want to replicate it for any mum who ever felt remotely like I did. I think writing this blog helped, having something that was mine away from the chaos and noise of young children. I know it's not for everyone, some people interested in the flying side probably hate the mum side and vice versa, but that is the way it goes. You can't label someone and assume that their entire life conforms to that label. So for all the different facets of my personality, life and being you will find a different kind of post.

I told you I was doing the C9 cleanse too, and the results have been amazing. That and a Brazilian blow out and I am not entirely sure which has been more life changing...! I was so impressed with the C9 that I have continued on with the next plan which is the FIT 1 and even more incredibly have decided to start selling the Forever living products too (in my spare time... as you do...). I am not someone who gets excited by fitness or creams but this has definitely captured my interest. I am looking forward to seeing where it goes.

So now I go back to the question in the poem... "when I emerge from the fog, finally free, will I know who I am? Will I still be me?"

Well, the answer is most definitely NO and I never expected that answer to make me so happy! Of course I am still me, but by no means the same "me" and isn't that fantastic?! I am someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's employee... but I am also just someone. 

I get to decide who and after so long of feeling like I had no identity or had no choice in the matter, that is an incredibly liberating thought.

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No conjecture here

Yesterday was a big day. My longest flight, heaviest take off and most amount of people on board. Added to that the news of the day and I think I can safely say it won't be a flight or a day I will forget in a while.

I am not going to guess or write what I think happened with yesterday's crash, I have my own ideas but I don't believe it helps anything and really it is impossible to know. We all know how ridiculous it sounds when newspapers or reporters try to guess, the article reads "they knew in advance they had a technical problem but didn't know anything was wrong, they told the tower they had a problem and the tower told them they had forgotten something, they tried to land while trying to go-around and it was definitely because of the wind or pilot error..." Yes, thanks for that enlightening article. I do wonder sometimes if the people writing this stuff actually read what they have written?? I think they are all just trying to be the person who "said it first" when really, if you say things in enough ways and say everything you can think of then of course you will have said the correct course of events first, along with 100 incorrect versions... go you, good day at the office...!

The video that I have seen from inside the cabin makes my blood boil on two accounts, one is that people are stopping to get their bags and blocking others from exiting the aircraft, if you want to kill yourself because your material possessions matter more to you than your life then go ahead, the world is probably better off without you, but don't you dare make that choice for anyone else. By blocking the aisle you are blocking people escaping and could ultimately decide their fate for them, what gives you the right to put your bags above the lives of countless other people. Although I sound annoyed about this ridiculous behaviour, I am actually more resigned to the fact that this is always going to happen, there are always going to be people grabbing their bags before they get off. Thats just a fact we are going to have to live with. Cabin crew are trained to take bags from people when they get to the door, the sharp edges and areas on bags could easily puncture an emergency escape slide, but in the heat of the moment half the time it's safer and less of a battle to just let them jump with it. I certainly wouldn't hang around playing tug of war with a passenger over a bag when dozens of other people are still trying to get out.

A note for future flyers... keep your passport ON YOU. Put it in a pocket, in your underwear, under your wig, I don't care where, just don't go rummaging around in the overhead bins looking for it when you need to evacuate. Laptops, clothes, phones etc can all be replaced, and so can passports but at least you have something that says who you are and it enables you to get home much more easily than having to apply for a replacement or getting emergency documents from your embassy. Just something to think about it at least.

My second issue with this video and the one that really has me questioning our humanity and obvious social issues is that this video is apparently (not confirmed) filmed by a mother of two who with the other hand is trying to push her two kids to the door and to safety.

Are. you. serious. 

I just cannot even start to make sense of this if this is true.
What has happened to people's priorities????? Excuse me while I get out my camera phone and film a burning aircraft while I half concentrate on pushing my kids in the right direction. Don't even get me started on her ZOOMING IN on the burning wing while still sitting on the slide!!!!! I watched the entire video yelling at the screen in exasperation and I have just screamed to myself again in frustration at the total lack of awareness, understanding or thought for the aircraft full of people trying to come down the slide behind you while you sit and refocus your camera. ARGH!

Rant over. I feel a little better now at least.

Huge kudos to the cabin crew for getting everyone out safely, you can hear the emotion and fear in one of the girls voices and despite that she remained professional and did exactly what she is trained to do. I read an article by some "expert" (if they don't say what this person is an expert in then I am instantly wary) who said "did they do well? no. They did their job". Honestly, is that really necessary? Yes they did their job but its the part of their job they hope never to have to deal with and that 90% or more will never have to do, so give them praise where praise is due. Did they do well? Yes, everyone out, no fatalities and in the end a very good outcome from what could have been a total disaster. Next time anyone moans about the cabin crew and their poor cups of tea remind them that service is their secondary job and that the person they are complaining about may well just be required to save a life later. Or maybe even 282 lives...

An eventful day and another incident that is a little too close to home, it does make you stand back and question yourself, your job, your attitude and really made me want to hug my girls and be at home with them. Unfortunately I will have to wait another 36 hours to do that.
Until then I am in the gym, diligently sticking to my C9 detox which I love and enjoying what this city has to offer. Although it's midnight now and I am about to have my lunch.. Jet lag anyone?

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Taking responsibility

It is very hard sometimes as a mum to remember that you exist. I mean that dead seriously because when all day is spent with your toddler acting like you are her personal slave, the baby needing almost constant holding because her teeth hurt and your husband needing his own time to "get stuff done" there isn't really a lot of time left for you.

There is only one person who can change that though and that is exactly what I have realised and decided to do something about. I am fed up coming last... ALL the time! Sometimes you need to be selfish and by that I do not mean ignoring your children, husband, house, family, job and suddenly turning into a "me, me, me" nightmare or as we call them here a "Jumeirah Jane". It is difficult to describe what a Jumeirah Jane is as people will read jealously into any description I give. Trust me it is not the case. Anyone who can roll out of bed at 10am and head straight to the gym for 2 hours while their maid has been up since 6am with the kids does not warrant jealously at all. Yes they have perfect hair, nails, boob jobs, clothes... they go to pilates, bikrum yoga, a massage and facial each week but they are missing the point. They are mothers and yet someone else is consistently bringing up their children while they flounce about pretending to be something they are not.

I actually feel sorry for women who can't or don't enjoy their childrens childhood. Yes sometimes toddlers make you want to scream and pull your hair out and punch something, but it is all instantly forgotten the moment they say "I love you Mummy, I always always love you" or blow teething-baby raspberries in your face at the exact moment you are about to lose it. I struggle to leave my girls with anyone else because I know I am missing out on the moments. I could give great chunks of the day (and night) away no issue but you never know when one of those beautiful gem of a moments might occur that all add up to you realising how very lucky you are and makes your heart grow that little bit more. That's usually the moment I end up writing my silly poems about because my memory is so horrific that I don't want to forget them.

Anyway, back to the point (can you tell I've just experienced one of those moments..!! I'm all rose tinted glasses again..!). The point is I decided to do something about me not existing or at least existing but not in the way I would like. I am taking responsibility... for ME!

I have organised or done a few things here and there, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because it is what I want to do with my time. It also doesn't mean that my time is time without my family although sometimes that is exactly what you need! Some are small, like solo coffee with a friend where you can actually have an uninterrupted conversation, or a brazilian blowout (which by the way is utterly amazing and I did not expect it to work so well!) and others are more important like getting healthy and getting a better more positive outlook. Today is day 1 of the C9 detox and I already feel much better. The aloe gel is absolutely vile and the fibre supplement nearly made me throw up but I am determined to stick with it and see it through. I am currently sitting staring at the last aloe shot of the day which I have already put it off drinking for an hour and am fighting an internal battle to force myself to have it but if I want honest results then I best stick to the plan! I promise I'll share my thoughts at the end, maybe even the before and after if it's good!

As far as a more positive outlook goes that is mostly internal, however one thing does bring me instantly down and that is feeling trapped or wasting days. My husband does not like the heat (wrong country to be living in!!) so during the summer he barely sets foot outside, the AC is turned down and the curtains get closed early to keep the sun out. I'm not blaming him but sometimes I find it difficult to break out of that. Now at least I realise I just need to make plans to get the girls and I, and S if he wishes, out and into the fresh (hairdryer like) air more often. E has started back at swimming lessons in our pool and we spent the morning today at the beach with friends. There is definitely something about a bit of sunshine on your face making you feel a whole lot healthier and better inside.

I am certainly looking forward to seeing what changes my realisation brings but for now I really can't put off this aloe shot much longer. If only it was tequila!

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A "break"

I arrived home from Copenhagen at 2am and crashed into bed, hastily pushing earplugs in to avoid being woken by C at all. My husband got up with the girls and I finally emerged at around 10am feeling barely human. We decided to go out for lunch which in hindsight was a seriously bad idea. I was tired from the flight, S was tired having had a broken night with C and my eldest decided that she was going to bring out the big gun tantrums specially for Mummy's return. I know it is her trying to make sense of and deal with the current changes but that doesn't always make it any easier to handle.

It is incredibly frustrating when all you want to do is have fun with her but she is whinging and whining and suddenly jealous of her sister and generally resisting anything that would actually make the day enjoyable. S then had to go to bed early to be up later that night to go to work himself.

That day is what we call a 'changeover day', it's not really a day off together as we really only have a few hours as one lands and one departs, and now I see that it is also going to be a change over day for the girls too. A day where they adjust to whichever one of us has suddenly returned and wonder when the other is leaving. Without them really knowing it I believe this is what causes them to play up, not sleep, have tantrums etc. Both S and I have found that they are much better a day later so either they are better with just one of us around or they have got over whatever caused the upset on the "changeover day".

For us its difficult as we don't really get a break. We get straight into the broken nights and sometimes tiring days that come with being a parent without ever really catching up from the lost sleep thanks to the flying. I remember when I went back to work after having E that I tried to do everything, I would land at all hours of the night and then get up with her at 6am and power through until her naps. It's not living and it wasn't fun I can tell you that. Sleep deprivation is toxic. It makes you snappy, argumentative, unhappy and a generally unpleasant person. It makes you eat badly, have bad habits, not want to do anything... it can very easily take over and you will hardly even realise how bad it has become because you are just surviving. I have promised myself that I will try not go down that road again. I will nap when I can, sleep in when I have to and try to stay on top of it. It means relying on other people a lot more (which is something I find hard to do) but for the sake of my sanity, my marriage and the girls, it is a necessary evil.

Really what I want to do is fly my parents out to Dubai, find them a nice villa/apartment to live in and have Grandparents around to play, help, cuddle and love when I am unable to. There is something so different about it being family looking after the girls and it takes most of the guilt away when you do have to leave them. Distance from family is absolutely the worst part of being an expat, and it has become even more upsetting now the girls are around.

Tomorrow is yet another changeover day, my husband and I have only had 4 proper days off together this month and it looks like it will be the much the same in August. I find that I am always looking into the future and not in the rose tinted glasses way but in the "how many days will we see each other, when are the girls left alone, is anyone around to help and can we change any flights" way. It's already the end of August in my head and I am already stressing about the fact that every weekend next month the girls will be on their own. There has to be a way to to make this work better, surely we can't be the only people in this situation!

I used to joke that I am a "stayathome-working-married-single-parent" but it's one of those 'jokes' that isn't actually that funny when it is reality. As great as equality and women rights and our right to work and all that is, it hasn't half piled the pressure on women to be everything all at once to everyone. If I stay at home with my kids then I've "wasted" my hard work and career, if I stick with the career then I'm not fully mothering my kids. Even if I had the choice right now, I'm not 100% sure what I would choose to do. On a slightly bizarre final note, why aren't men called "working dads?"... seems not everything has caught up with the whole "equality" thing just yet....! More on that later!

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Hello Copenhagen!

Hello Copenhagen

I am back at work again, flying the big bus and for the first time in a very very long time I get 24 hours in a hotel. With no babies, no husband, no distractions or interruptions.... bliss!

I just want to explain something, I know everyone is waiting to see the jet setting pictures both during the flights and in the destinations. Trust me, they will come but right now I am still "in training" and therefore have to play by the rules. You never know if the Captain sitting beside you is a strict stickler for them or relaxed and easy going so you have to err on the side of caution, especially at this stage. Usually most people don't mind and I promise you'll be getting city shots, Himalayan mountains and ice caps but you'll have to be patient. My "training" (its in inverted commas because really its just checking you can operate safely and within the procedures) will continue until September and then after that I'll just be flying with the normal line Captains and they are much more chilled out.

Anyway, back to the point. So I am here, and I am happy to say it was yet another successful flight and landing. We had some really great views today, the blood red lake Urmia in Iran, dyed by a salt loving bacteria that excretes the same pigment as found in carrots, was darker than I've ever seen. It is hard to tell that it is even water and looks like the red iron filled rocks found in places like Nevada. The weather into Copenhagen was clear and we flew low level over the bridge from Malmo which was amazing. I'm more than a little upset not to have pictures but I know I'll get another chance at some point. I do have one entertaining picture of the flight though....during the approach to land this happened...

Tail camera

I would love to have seen it actually hit, I bet any of the passengers watching the video had a bit of a shock! Of course I'm not condoning the killing of any animal but if a bird can't get out of the way of a ridiculously huge aeroplane then there isn't much I can do about it! Only problem is that the engineers here do not have a high lifter tall enough to reach the tail camera, so this will be the view for the passengers heading back too!

I have been to Copenhagen more than a few times while I was working in Sweden so I decided that this was my chance to actually just enjoy the break rather than race out sightseeing etc. A fantastic friend of mine gave me a pamper pack of face mask, hair mask and magazines so I could truly relax. This friend goes above and beyond all the time for me and my girls and I am hoping to be able to take her on a few trips so that we can have some baby free fun together as a Thank you. I may or may not document those trips on here!
So while the view from my window is very inviting I decided I would treat myself to an indulgent 24 hours. I cannot remember the last time I read a magazine in a bath, or even had a shower longer than 5 mins so I soaked until I wrinkled, watched Apollo 13 on TV while eating room service in bed and was asleep by 7pm!! Seriously, my life is all glamour right now!

View from my window

This morning I decided to start as I mean to go on and headed down to the hotel gym. I have to admit that I have not set foot in a gym for an incredibly long time so I was rather pleased to find it totally deserted! I don't mind saying that I have some baby weight to lose, but I will also say that I view my body so differently having had kids. Yes I have some scars, yes some extra weight and why on earth you have to deal with wider feet is just beyond me but yes I have those too. I am not ashamed of it though, I am not particularly happy with my current appearance but never ever think that I am ashamed. I am not. I grew, nourished and protected my two beautiful girls with this body and I can fix any of the resulting "damage" whenever I want to. Except maybe the feet...
With that in mind I decided rather impulsively that I am going to run a half marathon in December. I do this to myself a lot, I decide something and then have to work out how on earth I am going to get it done. I had announced I was doing this, roped my friend in and then had to actually look up how far a half marathon is. Oh bollucks. Too late, I've said it now so I'm just going to have to get on with it! Serves me right.

When I went back to work after my eldest I started writing her postcards from anywhere I stayed. She has a collection in her room that is going to get a whole lot larger now I'll be staying away every time I go to work. I am going to do the same for the youngest, but her collection will be a lot more exciting right from the start whereas E had to put up with Senegal, India, Senegal, Senegal again, oooh a Venice, India, Senegal... you get the picture. I gave up on scenic postcards and just went for the African animals after a while, so at least now we can get back to some pretty pictures! I'm hoping that they will enjoy reading through them when they are older and in a way know that I was always thinking of them no matter where in the world I ended up. I am very much looking forward to the day they are old enough to come with me but for now the postcards will have to do.

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