Good things..

..come to those who wait! And boy did I wait!!

3 weeks and 3 days of pure panic. Every day I would wake up and check my phone, have they called, did I miss it? Did I turn my phone on silent by mistake? As anyone who knows me will agree, I am normally fairly attached to my phone at the best of times, but for 24 days it was more like a limb than a phone and even came to the bathroom with me. At one point I realised I had nearly walked into the shower carrying it and it made me think, if they had called while I was otherwise occupied in the bathroom, would I really have answered?! Truth be told, Yes, I absolutely would have done!

So during those 24 days the deadline came and went for my contract signing here in Scandinavia and I had no choice but to sign it. It was a bitter sweet day, I enjoyed the brief encounter with a friend which had me laughing out loud for the first time in a long while, on the other hand I felt like a fraud. How could I sit there and sign the contract and laugh and joke with the managers when I knew full well that my heart wasn't in it. Not only that, but I had already decided that I would be leaving before August came around, no matter what the outcome of my Middle Eastern job. I plastered a smile on my face and tried not to show how desperately I wanted to run away. Thoughts of doing so entered my mind more than once and although I know it would solve nothing, I had let myself hope and on that day my hope had been shattered.

As S kept saying, "It's just business" and it's true, if they didn't need me anymore they wouldn't think twice about saying so and I would be back to where I was 7 months ago. So when the day comes that I resign, after only 1 month on the permanent contract, I will be thinking just that.. it's only business.

This was supposed to be about good things, and here comes the best, I am moving to the Middle East, with the man I love AND I have an absolutely amazing job to go to! I simply cannot believe it. I had hoped with all my heart for this and I scarcely let myself breathe for fear of jinxing it. When the call came through I was halfway down a staircase and by the end of the call I had somehow turned around and walked back up to the bedroom, I don't remember how but what I do remember is every single word that was said.

Me: "Good morning"
(Deep intake of breath from her end, which nearly gave me heart failure)
Her: "Good morning, this is E from the Middle East"
Me: "Oh yes, hello, how are you?"
Her: "Im good thank you, how are you?"
Me: "Im petrified."
Her: "haha well I am ringing with good news so don't be scared, I would like to offer you a position with us starting in the middle of August."
Me: "oh wow, oh thats fantastic, oh I just,  I really just, wow, I can't tell you how happy that makes me!"

Ok so from that point on I have NO idea what she said and I imagine I was babbling like a fool but I was concentrating so hard on getting through the phone call without crying with joy that the words seemed pretty unimportant!

I have never felt so many emotions rush through me at one time, having ended the call, I cried, I laughed, I screamed and then did all of them again to each family member and friend. The best part was that they all did it back and I realised that so many people had been holding their breath for me, had dared to hope on my behalf and were over the moon with my success. You just cant beat that feeling. I feel so loved, so blessed and so utterly exhausted with relief.

I dont believe it has sunk in yet, and in moments like this I always expect to feel different. When life events occur I wait for the shift, on the morning of my birthday or after S proposed, I expect somehow to be changed, to have grown or matured in a way that only certain events could initiate. When I wake up I realise I'm still me, no change, no big difference, just a day older, maybe a little wiser but still just me.
I imagine it will be the same after our wedding, I'll be a wife and surely that should feel different, but I know it wont, the only difference will be my surname and as a great man once wrote "what's in a name?".