Buttons and bedrooms.

I now have only a week to go in France and S has just left for home. He has finished this part of the training and the relief on his face was obvious. The rest of the course looked relieved but excited. For many they are now flying back to the Middle East to see their wives and families for the first time since they left them nearly 2 months ago and while I don't envy them, I can say from experience that distance is not necessarily a bad thing. I miss S but we have had our ups and downs over the last 3 weeks together. Many of the downs were fuelled by too little sleep and too much stress, but having waved him off yesterday to the airport, I already wish I could bring him back.

This course has been hard. Not the content or the work so much as the relentless pace that seems to have no end. An entire day is taken up with preparing for a simulator, briefing before, doing the 4 hour session, debriefing and returning home to prepare for the next one. There is no down time other than the weekends and I just totally shut down. So far this weekend I have only left the room twice and that was to say goodbye to the guys and then do some washing! I physically cannot sleep enough and I now understand why babies sleep and eat so much. The sheer volume of information they are taking in daily must exhaust their poor little brains and send their body into hibernation mode in a way of coping with and processing the vast intake of data. I feel the same. I have eaten more than ever before and could quite happily take 3 naps a day if I had the time! It is safe to say my diet is out of the window, I have no doubt put on all the weight I worked so hard to lose, but I cant seem to muster the strength to care. I know as soon as I am back in the Middle East and into a routine it will come back under control, not only that, but the thought of a size 10 wedding dress that I need to squeeze into in 8 months time will add the motivation Im currently lacking. Maybe I should get married every year then I'm bound to stay in shape! (I can already hear my mother groaning "please don't!")

Speaking of marriage, today marks 4 months since S and I tied the knot. I'm not sure we really knew what we were letting ourselves in for, not with each other of course but with the huge changes that have happened in such a short space of time. I feel like we haven't had a moment to just sit back and appreciate what we have done. We didn't really have a honeymoon and apart from an extra ring on my finger, I don't feel that different. I know I have become a wife, and I am very proud of my husband but I feel like I'm still waiting for a penny to drop, for the security blanket I expected to engulf me and to feel.. "Married" whatever that is. I thought somehow that the vows we said would make us this undeniable force against the world, that it would be us against them and that our own family unit would feel somewhat cemented. I don't know whether it was an unreasonable expectation, or whether it just hasn't had time to happen yet, but I am not enjoying the insecurity of the 'in between'.

Certainly what I will enjoy is not having to live out of a suitcase anymore. It has been 12 months now since I first left to work in Scandinavia, and I haven't had a proper "home" since then. I have relied on friends, sometimes with disastrous consequences, family, some providing more help than others, and hotels, far too many to count, but the end is near and I cannot wait. After a quick trip back to the UK after my course has finished I will finally get to go HOME! To unpack, to fuss about where things live or which picture to hang where, to fill a fridge with things I actually want to eat! Even that simple task will be delightful! The thought is indescribable, it is so exciting and yet so calming all in the same breath.

Oh to sit and look out across the beach, a glass of bubbles in one hand and my husband in the other...

..yes Please!