Two already??

This week my little girl turns 2. I can't quite believe it. I feel like it was only two seconds ago I was pregnant with her.. Oh no wait, that was the littler one..!

It makes me think about how I was feeling at this moment 2 years ago. Pregnancy throws all sorts of emotions and hormones your way but the last week was just so overwhelming for me.

Granted at the time I was still up a ladder painting the nursery, doing all the paperwork for my mother-in-laws new house and generally missing my mum. It was a contentious issue during my pregnancy whether my mum could be here shortly after the birth, my husband categorically said no. He couldn't understand why my mum should be here and his shouldn't. I think he gets it more now, men unfortunately always seem to see and understand things like that later.

That's beside the point though. The point is that you suddenly realise that this thing you've been nurturing and loving and already worrying about is suddenly going to be here, out.. And mobile. I had real trouble handing her over to other people, apparently that's quite normal and I'm not the only one, but I do remember the exact moment I realised it would have to happen. Of course I wrote a poem about it.

So as we come up to her second birthday here is my poem for my then beautiful unborn Pigeon.

Today your mine

But who knows tomorrow

The thought of sharing you

Fills me with sorrow

Your wriggles and kicks

Are mine to behold

And no one else notices

Unless they've been told

At night time daddy

gets kicked in the ear

And for him I'm happy

Your arrival is near

But You'll always be

My sweet little pigeon

Who gets the hiccups

And gives me indigestion

I can feel you moving now

And it makes me smile

You're running out of space

But we still have a while

Soon People will want

To Cuddle and coo

And it won't be as easy

As just me and you

Our now special bond

Will grow further apart

Until one day

Someone else steals your heart

But remember little pigeon

That I loved you first

So much so

I thought I would burst

You're the closest to my heart

That anyone could be

And I'll always remember

When it was just you and me x

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Rebirth

So I said I had written this blog before, and I have. A few years ago I lost my job, made redundant with a whole bunch of other pilots. It's quite daunting at the age of 24 to have mortgage payments, bills, car costs etc and be sent packing from a company you honestly thought you could stay with very very long term. I was lucky with my first job, landed on my feet as they say and managed to get in with a great company flying 737s and then.. They just didn't need me anymore!

So I finally managed to find a job.. In Sweden. Not ideal. I don't like the cold for starters. I don't mind the odd skiing holiday but I like to return somewhere I know it won't take 20 minutes to leave the house because you're busy putting 16 layers on. Second, my boyfriend (now husband!) lived in northern England.

If you need to pay bills you need a job though so off I went. Rented out my lovely apartment in England and swapped it for a room above a family home overlooking a beautiful lake. Far far away from anywhere! It was winter, it was Sweden. 

It turns out I'm not too good left on my own too long, especially in the cold and dark. I started feeling rather sorry for myself and well verging on totally depressed. It was hard. Really hard. So I started a blog, this blog, well, not this exact one, the other this one.

Like now, it was anonymous, it was only of interest to my mum and a few loyal friends and I tried to just write what went on or what was in my head as it was, but leaving out the dark depressing boring parts!

The problem was that someone didn't like it. Didn't like me writing it. Told me so enough times that I started to doubt that I should. To keep that person happy I stopped. I stopped doing the only thing keeping me sane and giving me a bit of pleasure at the time. Maybe the person didn't know what it meant to me, maybe I should have been stronger and said "no, this is my choice, my life and thank you for your opinion but it makes me happy" but I didn't. I saved the posts on my computer and I shut down the blog.

Unfortunately, doing something soley for someone else's happiness and in spite of your own can lead to a drop of resentment. I really really regret stopping. I so wish I hadn't. I'm even more annoyed now that I've only managed to find 14 of the old blog posts and they are not the best ones. I don't write a diary and this could have been my diary. From that cold, sparse and lonely room to the sunshine, sand and baby filled now, it would have been a great journey to have written down. 

Even if only for my mum and those loyal friends.

Editors note: I restarted the blog on wordpress, subsequently found this original blog in the depths of the internet and have now shifted the newer posts back to here. It's a bit messy but at least I have all my old posts back and a great timeline of events.

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Let us begin... (again)

I write little poems. I always have. It's a way I find to release the thoughts in my head and keep them somewhere else for a while, it keeps them organised I find. I also like looking back and feeling how I was feeling when I wrote each one. I have a horrific memory, I usually only remember things if there is a picture of it and so this is another way of trying to remember.

It's not the usual way to start a blog, it's also not how I planned to! Then again, this isn't the start. This blog existed before, in another time and another place, a time when I very much needed it, but we will get to that later. So although this is the first post it is not the start, it is the rebirth!

This is an evolving poem, I first wrote it four years ago and have added to it since. I know which bits were from then and which for now, some parts are more relevant now than others but they all matter in some way, so I have never deleted a verse only added, and may continue to in the future. 

By a moon and star lit pool
Six years ago today
You asked me to be yours
And took my breath away

A year later we were married
Though not everybody knew
A simple little service
We shared with just a few

Off into the sunset
We set forth on our own
Finding in a desert land
A place we now call home

That year we did it all again
The dress, the suit, the flowers
And got to go on honeymoon
And face the monsoon showers

A boat, a house, a change of fleet
We gave it all a whirl
we soon became a family of three
With a beautiful baby girl

Last year big birthdays for us both
In Vegas with our friends
And the shock arrival of number two
Before the year was at its end

Now two is four and life has changed
In ways we never guessed
Each day filled with our little girls
With which we are so blessed

On this day, where will we be
In all the years to come
So much still lies in front of us
So much we haven't done

Wherever life will take us
Our footsteps in the sand
We'll walk the path together
Strolling hand in hand

And yet we will remember
Six years ago today
For It was the day you asked me
And I gave my heart away.
💕

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