Taking responsibility

It is very hard sometimes as a mum to remember that you exist. I mean that dead seriously because when all day is spent with your toddler acting like you are her personal slave, the baby needing almost constant holding because her teeth hurt and your husband needing his own time to "get stuff done" there isn't really a lot of time left for you.

There is only one person who can change that though and that is exactly what I have realised and decided to do something about. I am fed up coming last... ALL the time! Sometimes you need to be selfish and by that I do not mean ignoring your children, husband, house, family, job and suddenly turning into a "me, me, me" nightmare or as we call them here a "Jumeirah Jane". It is difficult to describe what a Jumeirah Jane is as people will read jealously into any description I give. Trust me it is not the case. Anyone who can roll out of bed at 10am and head straight to the gym for 2 hours while their maid has been up since 6am with the kids does not warrant jealously at all. Yes they have perfect hair, nails, boob jobs, clothes... they go to pilates, bikrum yoga, a massage and facial each week but they are missing the point. They are mothers and yet someone else is consistently bringing up their children while they flounce about pretending to be something they are not.

I actually feel sorry for women who can't or don't enjoy their childrens childhood. Yes sometimes toddlers make you want to scream and pull your hair out and punch something, but it is all instantly forgotten the moment they say "I love you Mummy, I always always love you" or blow teething-baby raspberries in your face at the exact moment you are about to lose it. I struggle to leave my girls with anyone else because I know I am missing out on the moments. I could give great chunks of the day (and night) away no issue but you never know when one of those beautiful gem of a moments might occur that all add up to you realising how very lucky you are and makes your heart grow that little bit more. That's usually the moment I end up writing my silly poems about because my memory is so horrific that I don't want to forget them.

Anyway, back to the point (can you tell I've just experienced one of those moments..!! I'm all rose tinted glasses again..!). The point is I decided to do something about me not existing or at least existing but not in the way I would like. I am taking responsibility... for ME!

I have organised or done a few things here and there, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because it is what I want to do with my time. It also doesn't mean that my time is time without my family although sometimes that is exactly what you need! Some are small, like solo coffee with a friend where you can actually have an uninterrupted conversation, or a brazilian blowout (which by the way is utterly amazing and I did not expect it to work so well!) and others are more important like getting healthy and getting a better more positive outlook. Today is day 1 of the C9 detox and I already feel much better. The aloe gel is absolutely vile and the fibre supplement nearly made me throw up but I am determined to stick with it and see it through. I am currently sitting staring at the last aloe shot of the day which I have already put it off drinking for an hour and am fighting an internal battle to force myself to have it but if I want honest results then I best stick to the plan! I promise I'll share my thoughts at the end, maybe even the before and after if it's good!

As far as a more positive outlook goes that is mostly internal, however one thing does bring me instantly down and that is feeling trapped or wasting days. My husband does not like the heat (wrong country to be living in!!) so during the summer he barely sets foot outside, the AC is turned down and the curtains get closed early to keep the sun out. I'm not blaming him but sometimes I find it difficult to break out of that. Now at least I realise I just need to make plans to get the girls and I, and S if he wishes, out and into the fresh (hairdryer like) air more often. E has started back at swimming lessons in our pool and we spent the morning today at the beach with friends. There is definitely something about a bit of sunshine on your face making you feel a whole lot healthier and better inside.

I am certainly looking forward to seeing what changes my realisation brings but for now I really can't put off this aloe shot much longer. If only it was tequila!