Little slice of sanity

Wow! Some days I absolutely love my job!
I have never been to Mauritius but I am totally in love and definitely bidding to come back. Even just 24 hours here gives me enough to relax, recharge and feel like I have been on a weeks holiday!

I decided as soon as I saw Mauritius on my roster that I would be giving myself a break from the detox/weight loss for one night and truly enjoy some cocktails and down time. I did not think that I would have managed to wrangle some free cocktails but also end up with a bill for 9 pina coladas by the end of it but thankfully not all of them were mine... I don't think...! I cannot remember the last time I had a cocktail and I think it was actually last May when we went to Vegas!!! Unbelievable.

So after way too much food and a few too many drinks this morning I went straight back on to the detox plan and was very surprised to find out that the Aloe gel is a rather wonderful hangover cure. It required a double shot but I was able to get straight up and go out Kayaking. The water is beautifully clear and freakishly cold! Not what I was expecting as I sashayed into the water with my paddle only to end up doing the shocked "holy crap its cold" breathing as my legs lost feeling. Certainly focuses the mind to make sure you don't fall in though!
An hour of kayaking and an hour of walking along the beaches and I think I am fine in giving the gym a miss! Next time I might head out on one of the boats and check out the neighbouring islands. As I said, sometimes I really do love my job and today is definitely one of them.

Talking to the girls on Skype is hard, my littlest has started crying every time she sees me so it always makes you feel a little guilty and I hate not being able to comfort her with a cuddle. The eldest keeps asking if I am bringing home a Kangaroo ever since my trip to Australia and Im starting to think I need to show her a real life size kangaroo so she is aware that I will NEVER be bringing one home!!! She is well into the terrible twos and is pushing both my husband and I to the limit. I find it hard and upsetting especially when I am tired as we seem to spend all day at loggerheads and it is truly exhausting. I genuinely miss my little girl, she is in there somewhere I know but the enormity of her frustration, emotion and stubbornness is taking over at the moment. It must be scary for her too and while I try to remind myself that she is experiencing so many new emotions and trying to deal with her own stuff, it doesn't make it any easier.

Talking to the Captain yesterday and I have decided to put together a "what really happens" list of the hilarious stories I have experienced or heard that have happened on flights or layovers. Honestly you won't believe half of them but I swear they do happen. It should give you a laugh at least.

Time to head home now, landing back in the wee small hours of the morning and hoping that I may be able to sneak a few hours sleep in before the eldest demands my attention! I'll make a start on that list on the way....!

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Out of the fog

A post from rainy Thailand, at the moment with my work schedule my time at home with my girls is precious so I get much more done on layovers!

A while ago I wrote a blogpost that I subsequently deleted. Not for any reason other than it was not "right". I don't mean that it was illegal or rude or anything like that but it just didn't feel like it should be there. It was written when I was probably at my very lowest point after having my second baby, I was in a fog, in a slump and really questioning my sanity.
Ill post the poem that I wrote at the time:

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Two beautiful souls brought into this world

Their first breaths, their smiles, a sight to behold

A gift some say, and they would be right

Though sometimes forgotten in the middle of the night

Not one to return or refund or swap

Not one you can buy in any old shop

But here they are and at what cost

Do we ever stop to ask what we have lost

I bare the scars from each today

Some go, some fade, but some will stay

Externally for all to see

Tiger stripes on a mummy tummy

No longer just me but a wife and a Mother

Life forever altered in a way like no other

Body, spirit, mind all changed

It's still worth the losses for all that we've gained

But who am I? And where am I going?

The mental scars are the ones not showing

Born again, a new persona to try

Head up, stomach in and try not to cry

The days on repeat, not a moment alone

No peace or space in your very own home

When I emerge from the fog, finally free

Will I know who I am? Will I still be me?

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Most mothers will recognise the feelings in this one, and the post essentially focused around not knowing who I was any more. It was sad, dark and not something that I wanted to keep and certainly something I never wanted my girls to read. The thoughts and concerns in the poem are real though and a softer version of how I was emotionally so I don't mind sharing that.

Yesterday was the day that I realised that these fears aren't there any more. Neither is the fog. I cannot tell you what a relief it is. The cliche of stepping out of the shadow and feeling the sun on your face is ringing in my ears right now but only because it is SO true! My littlest is nearly 8 months old and I only now can say..

I AM BACK!!!!!!

I can't pin point the exact moment it happened or what specifically snapped me out of it. Trust me I wish I could because I would want to replicate it for any mum who ever felt remotely like I did. I think writing this blog helped, having something that was mine away from the chaos and noise of young children. I know it's not for everyone, some people interested in the flying side probably hate the mum side and vice versa, but that is the way it goes. You can't label someone and assume that their entire life conforms to that label. So for all the different facets of my personality, life and being you will find a different kind of post.

I told you I was doing the C9 cleanse too, and the results have been amazing. That and a Brazilian blow out and I am not entirely sure which has been more life changing...! I was so impressed with the C9 that I have continued on with the next plan which is the FIT 1 and even more incredibly have decided to start selling the Forever living products too (in my spare time... as you do...). I am not someone who gets excited by fitness or creams but this has definitely captured my interest. I am looking forward to seeing where it goes.

So now I go back to the question in the poem... "when I emerge from the fog, finally free, will I know who I am? Will I still be me?"

Well, the answer is most definitely NO and I never expected that answer to make me so happy! Of course I am still me, but by no means the same "me" and isn't that fantastic?! I am someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's employee... but I am also just someone. 

I get to decide who and after so long of feeling like I had no identity or had no choice in the matter, that is an incredibly liberating thought.

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No conjecture here

Yesterday was a big day. My longest flight, heaviest take off and most amount of people on board. Added to that the news of the day and I think I can safely say it won't be a flight or a day I will forget in a while.

I am not going to guess or write what I think happened with yesterday's crash, I have my own ideas but I don't believe it helps anything and really it is impossible to know. We all know how ridiculous it sounds when newspapers or reporters try to guess, the article reads "they knew in advance they had a technical problem but didn't know anything was wrong, they told the tower they had a problem and the tower told them they had forgotten something, they tried to land while trying to go-around and it was definitely because of the wind or pilot error..." Yes, thanks for that enlightening article. I do wonder sometimes if the people writing this stuff actually read what they have written?? I think they are all just trying to be the person who "said it first" when really, if you say things in enough ways and say everything you can think of then of course you will have said the correct course of events first, along with 100 incorrect versions... go you, good day at the office...!

The video that I have seen from inside the cabin makes my blood boil on two accounts, one is that people are stopping to get their bags and blocking others from exiting the aircraft, if you want to kill yourself because your material possessions matter more to you than your life then go ahead, the world is probably better off without you, but don't you dare make that choice for anyone else. By blocking the aisle you are blocking people escaping and could ultimately decide their fate for them, what gives you the right to put your bags above the lives of countless other people. Although I sound annoyed about this ridiculous behaviour, I am actually more resigned to the fact that this is always going to happen, there are always going to be people grabbing their bags before they get off. Thats just a fact we are going to have to live with. Cabin crew are trained to take bags from people when they get to the door, the sharp edges and areas on bags could easily puncture an emergency escape slide, but in the heat of the moment half the time it's safer and less of a battle to just let them jump with it. I certainly wouldn't hang around playing tug of war with a passenger over a bag when dozens of other people are still trying to get out.

A note for future flyers... keep your passport ON YOU. Put it in a pocket, in your underwear, under your wig, I don't care where, just don't go rummaging around in the overhead bins looking for it when you need to evacuate. Laptops, clothes, phones etc can all be replaced, and so can passports but at least you have something that says who you are and it enables you to get home much more easily than having to apply for a replacement or getting emergency documents from your embassy. Just something to think about it at least.

My second issue with this video and the one that really has me questioning our humanity and obvious social issues is that this video is apparently (not confirmed) filmed by a mother of two who with the other hand is trying to push her two kids to the door and to safety.

Are. you. serious. 

I just cannot even start to make sense of this if this is true.
What has happened to people's priorities????? Excuse me while I get out my camera phone and film a burning aircraft while I half concentrate on pushing my kids in the right direction. Don't even get me started on her ZOOMING IN on the burning wing while still sitting on the slide!!!!! I watched the entire video yelling at the screen in exasperation and I have just screamed to myself again in frustration at the total lack of awareness, understanding or thought for the aircraft full of people trying to come down the slide behind you while you sit and refocus your camera. ARGH!

Rant over. I feel a little better now at least.

Huge kudos to the cabin crew for getting everyone out safely, you can hear the emotion and fear in one of the girls voices and despite that she remained professional and did exactly what she is trained to do. I read an article by some "expert" (if they don't say what this person is an expert in then I am instantly wary) who said "did they do well? no. They did their job". Honestly, is that really necessary? Yes they did their job but its the part of their job they hope never to have to deal with and that 90% or more will never have to do, so give them praise where praise is due. Did they do well? Yes, everyone out, no fatalities and in the end a very good outcome from what could have been a total disaster. Next time anyone moans about the cabin crew and their poor cups of tea remind them that service is their secondary job and that the person they are complaining about may well just be required to save a life later. Or maybe even 282 lives...

An eventful day and another incident that is a little too close to home, it does make you stand back and question yourself, your job, your attitude and really made me want to hug my girls and be at home with them. Unfortunately I will have to wait another 36 hours to do that.
Until then I am in the gym, diligently sticking to my C9 detox which I love and enjoying what this city has to offer. Although it's midnight now and I am about to have my lunch.. Jet lag anyone?

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Taking responsibility

It is very hard sometimes as a mum to remember that you exist. I mean that dead seriously because when all day is spent with your toddler acting like you are her personal slave, the baby needing almost constant holding because her teeth hurt and your husband needing his own time to "get stuff done" there isn't really a lot of time left for you.

There is only one person who can change that though and that is exactly what I have realised and decided to do something about. I am fed up coming last... ALL the time! Sometimes you need to be selfish and by that I do not mean ignoring your children, husband, house, family, job and suddenly turning into a "me, me, me" nightmare or as we call them here a "Jumeirah Jane". It is difficult to describe what a Jumeirah Jane is as people will read jealously into any description I give. Trust me it is not the case. Anyone who can roll out of bed at 10am and head straight to the gym for 2 hours while their maid has been up since 6am with the kids does not warrant jealously at all. Yes they have perfect hair, nails, boob jobs, clothes... they go to pilates, bikrum yoga, a massage and facial each week but they are missing the point. They are mothers and yet someone else is consistently bringing up their children while they flounce about pretending to be something they are not.

I actually feel sorry for women who can't or don't enjoy their childrens childhood. Yes sometimes toddlers make you want to scream and pull your hair out and punch something, but it is all instantly forgotten the moment they say "I love you Mummy, I always always love you" or blow teething-baby raspberries in your face at the exact moment you are about to lose it. I struggle to leave my girls with anyone else because I know I am missing out on the moments. I could give great chunks of the day (and night) away no issue but you never know when one of those beautiful gem of a moments might occur that all add up to you realising how very lucky you are and makes your heart grow that little bit more. That's usually the moment I end up writing my silly poems about because my memory is so horrific that I don't want to forget them.

Anyway, back to the point (can you tell I've just experienced one of those moments..!! I'm all rose tinted glasses again..!). The point is I decided to do something about me not existing or at least existing but not in the way I would like. I am taking responsibility... for ME!

I have organised or done a few things here and there, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because it is what I want to do with my time. It also doesn't mean that my time is time without my family although sometimes that is exactly what you need! Some are small, like solo coffee with a friend where you can actually have an uninterrupted conversation, or a brazilian blowout (which by the way is utterly amazing and I did not expect it to work so well!) and others are more important like getting healthy and getting a better more positive outlook. Today is day 1 of the C9 detox and I already feel much better. The aloe gel is absolutely vile and the fibre supplement nearly made me throw up but I am determined to stick with it and see it through. I am currently sitting staring at the last aloe shot of the day which I have already put it off drinking for an hour and am fighting an internal battle to force myself to have it but if I want honest results then I best stick to the plan! I promise I'll share my thoughts at the end, maybe even the before and after if it's good!

As far as a more positive outlook goes that is mostly internal, however one thing does bring me instantly down and that is feeling trapped or wasting days. My husband does not like the heat (wrong country to be living in!!) so during the summer he barely sets foot outside, the AC is turned down and the curtains get closed early to keep the sun out. I'm not blaming him but sometimes I find it difficult to break out of that. Now at least I realise I just need to make plans to get the girls and I, and S if he wishes, out and into the fresh (hairdryer like) air more often. E has started back at swimming lessons in our pool and we spent the morning today at the beach with friends. There is definitely something about a bit of sunshine on your face making you feel a whole lot healthier and better inside.

I am certainly looking forward to seeing what changes my realisation brings but for now I really can't put off this aloe shot much longer. If only it was tequila!

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