WOW!

What a wonderful couple of weeks! I have to say that my spirits are up, my outlook is positive and I am feeling rather fabulous lately! Amazing what a week at home can do!

I've spent a few days back in the UK with S and my family, it was his birthday and we had a BBQ in his honour with a few family and friends. Of course in his family there is no such thing as a few and soon we were looking at cooking enough meat for nearly 35 people. I got a cake with our Middle Eastern flag on and an aircraft flying underneath, it seemed fitting as this will be S's last birthday in England.
On the wedding side of things, my Auntie married in a small ceremony in my parents village, I am told that a good day was had by all and I even managed to sneak a peek at the goings on via skype! It makes me wonder again how anyone survived without it. Skype truly is my lifeline and I am sad that it has been bought by Microsoft and will no doubt suffer for it. I am an Apple girl through and through and I can see the viruses and glitches ruining a good program before the signature is dry on the paperwork.

S's sister has also got engaged, she plans on having her wedding in September next year and I have enjoyed talking venues and flowers with her already. She even has a provisional place booked at a venue I suggested! I have to say I felt a twinge of jealousy when she announced the news, I've already asked her to be one of my bridesmaids and I wonder if now it is not as exciting, also I have to say, I was quite enjoying being the only bride to be in the family. Of course having spent a few days with her now I feel infinitely better and I should have known that would be the case but I couldn't help my instant reaction. I am positive there will be no competition because you cannot compare weddings, if each bride has their perfect day then that is what makes a perfect wedding, not which one cost more or had the best cake..! At least she is very sure of what she wants, and none of her ideas sound remotely like mine so at least I can breathe a sigh of relief there!

The weather in England at the moment is truly beautiful and I just hope that this time next year will be the same. I cannot believe it is only a year to go until my big day and I know that it will go by so very fast! I will miss the lush green of England once we move and I really hope that we will not regret our decision, but I am feeling more and more apprehensive as time ticks on. My start date at the new job is only 15 days after S so at least we will truly be in this together!

As my mood continues to get better I think back to the times recently where life has seemed so barren. My mum reminded me of a particularly bad christmas, just after I had been made redundant and had no job yet to move on to. The company letting me go gave us a chocolate bar at a christmas party that said "Merry Christmas from X Airways"and I remember taking a few home and handing them to my parents, the irony of the situation not lost on them. My mum actually kept one! She said I could eat it once I landed my dream job and when things had turned around... well, I ate it yesterday!!! A moment caught on camera that shows a girl I hardly recognise compared to one from christmas two years ago. Not only older and happier but far far healthier too! I measured myself today for the first time in a long while, I have lost 7 inches from my bust and 4 inches from my waist and hips! Unbelievable! I've decided to break out the summer maxi dresses to show off my curves and I have to say I love them!

So as the good news keeps rolling in like waves on a beach, I can feel my shoulders relax, my smile broaden and my anxiety wash away like grains of sand with the tide. About time too..!

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New in town

At the beginning of this month I moved to a new city, it was all part of the new contract here and to be honest I could have done without it. I managed to sneak home for a few days which was nice, especially as it meant I received the life changing phone call while I was with S and we drove to my parents to celebrate with them. My family has a bit of a tradition going and whenever we have something to celebrate you will find us in the corner of our local chinese wondering why they still bother giving us menus! It has become hugely comforting to me, not only do I love the food but it reminds me each time of all the other happy occasions we have spent there, and there have been many! The last two visits were for S's new job and then mine too and while 90% of my time is currently spent somewhere unfamiliar and alone, those visits meant more to me than ever.

Now I am back to being alone, in an un-furnished apartment, sleeping on a blow up bed and generally getting rather depressed. I know I am not unlucky, it's not like I'm homeless or unemployed or even fatally ill, so don't get me wrong, I know that my situation is a million times better than most but it doesn't stop me holding a pity party for one every so often. The drive here went ok, the hire car was more expensive than I would have liked and as we are saving like mad for the big move and various other things, I am acutely aware of every penny I spend right now. Arriving at my friends flat I had no idea what to expect, I do not know the city at all and had no knowledge of the flat itself. I hear that a picture tells a thousand words.. 

To be fair, the flat itself is very nice, I just wasn't expecting the boxes of stuff! In the end though, they were put away and my ONE bag settled next to my new bed..

So this is where I am staying for the next few months. My blow up bed is the only furniture in the flat and therefore it is now my study, dining room and bedroom! I can't complain, I'm warm and dry and relatively comfy.. the only thing missing are ear defenders, living by the sea is great, but the wildlife isn't half noisy!!

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Good things..

..come to those who wait! And boy did I wait!!

3 weeks and 3 days of pure panic. Every day I would wake up and check my phone, have they called, did I miss it? Did I turn my phone on silent by mistake? As anyone who knows me will agree, I am normally fairly attached to my phone at the best of times, but for 24 days it was more like a limb than a phone and even came to the bathroom with me. At one point I realised I had nearly walked into the shower carrying it and it made me think, if they had called while I was otherwise occupied in the bathroom, would I really have answered?! Truth be told, Yes, I absolutely would have done!

So during those 24 days the deadline came and went for my contract signing here in Scandinavia and I had no choice but to sign it. It was a bitter sweet day, I enjoyed the brief encounter with a friend which had me laughing out loud for the first time in a long while, on the other hand I felt like a fraud. How could I sit there and sign the contract and laugh and joke with the managers when I knew full well that my heart wasn't in it. Not only that, but I had already decided that I would be leaving before August came around, no matter what the outcome of my Middle Eastern job. I plastered a smile on my face and tried not to show how desperately I wanted to run away. Thoughts of doing so entered my mind more than once and although I know it would solve nothing, I had let myself hope and on that day my hope had been shattered.

As S kept saying, "It's just business" and it's true, if they didn't need me anymore they wouldn't think twice about saying so and I would be back to where I was 7 months ago. So when the day comes that I resign, after only 1 month on the permanent contract, I will be thinking just that.. it's only business.

This was supposed to be about good things, and here comes the best, I am moving to the Middle East, with the man I love AND I have an absolutely amazing job to go to! I simply cannot believe it. I had hoped with all my heart for this and I scarcely let myself breathe for fear of jinxing it. When the call came through I was halfway down a staircase and by the end of the call I had somehow turned around and walked back up to the bedroom, I don't remember how but what I do remember is every single word that was said.

Me: "Good morning"
(Deep intake of breath from her end, which nearly gave me heart failure)
Her: "Good morning, this is E from the Middle East"
Me: "Oh yes, hello, how are you?"
Her: "Im good thank you, how are you?"
Me: "Im petrified."
Her: "haha well I am ringing with good news so don't be scared, I would like to offer you a position with us starting in the middle of August."
Me: "oh wow, oh thats fantastic, oh I just,  I really just, wow, I can't tell you how happy that makes me!"

Ok so from that point on I have NO idea what she said and I imagine I was babbling like a fool but I was concentrating so hard on getting through the phone call without crying with joy that the words seemed pretty unimportant!

I have never felt so many emotions rush through me at one time, having ended the call, I cried, I laughed, I screamed and then did all of them again to each family member and friend. The best part was that they all did it back and I realised that so many people had been holding their breath for me, had dared to hope on my behalf and were over the moon with my success. You just cant beat that feeling. I feel so loved, so blessed and so utterly exhausted with relief.

I dont believe it has sunk in yet, and in moments like this I always expect to feel different. When life events occur I wait for the shift, on the morning of my birthday or after S proposed, I expect somehow to be changed, to have grown or matured in a way that only certain events could initiate. When I wake up I realise I'm still me, no change, no big difference, just a day older, maybe a little wiser but still just me.
I imagine it will be the same after our wedding, I'll be a wife and surely that should feel different, but I know it wont, the only difference will be my surname and as a great man once wrote "what's in a name?".

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Stress!

Heavens above!
Who would have thought that life could go from lonely and dull to extremely stressful and hectic in such a short space of time! I am sorry if you feel I have neglected you but I believe the rest of my life feels the same too.

Firstly, I travelled nervously to the sandpit in the hope of securing my dream job out there. It was 4 days of pure torture! You can fail the process at the end of each day and are told to wait patiently for a phone call in your hotel room to let you know the outcome. I think the hotel may need to replace a patch of worn out carpet where I paced backwards and forwards endlessly until the phone rang! The good news is that after being poked and prodded, answering 750 personality questions, playing with joysticks, flying a very old aircraft in the simulator and having 7 test tubes of blood taken, they finally told me I had passed the selection process. I am delighted! It is not a job offer yet, I still have a tense wait for yet another phone call, but at least I am well over half way there!

On the last day, having had all that blood taken, I had some spare time and decided to visit a family member who lives there. In a bloodless daze and 37 degree heat I was shown the city I am due to live in. Apart from being fairly dusty and sandy, I really do think that S and I will be happy there. I know we will both miss the lush green of England but we will just have to substitute it with water sports and golf instead. In the evening I partook in a little too much bubbly, and what with the heat, the lack of blood and lack of dinner, it wasn't long before I was passed out back in my tour guide's flat. I had 4 hours sleep before being gently placed in a taxi back to my hotel, another hour there and it was time to leave the sand behind me. I have NEVER been so grateful for a business class seat. Upgraded at the last minute by the cabin crew, I was able to lay my throbbing head down and sleep at least until we passed over European airspace.

Now that I have jumped the biggest hurdle, my brain is overloaded with what comes next. In a moment of stupidity I wrote an email to S and sent it to my pilot manager. I could not believe it and still cringe at the thought. Luckily for me, my manager has a sense of humour, and once the mistake had been explained sent an email back saying he couldn't stop laughing. As if I wasn't embarrassed enough, I have a meeting with him coming up and will no doubt have the story told to all those present. That is what we call "galley FM", the never ending rumour mill that churns below every airline, making any conversation public knowledge.

So as my stress boils over into mis-sent emails, I can only sit and wait for good news to come my way. At least then, so many of my future questions will be answered and S and I can get on with planning our new life together. Fingers crossed!

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Safe

I am pleased to say that I am once again safe to fly for another 6 months. The simulator went really well, and it is a huge weight of my mind now that it has finished. This time the emphasis was on time management and engine failures, and although we usually have to do an engine failure or two, on this check ride I believe the engine either failed or caught fire about 9 times. It is great exercise for your thigh muscles and I made an effort to hold a little more rudder than usual so it worked them even harder, I couldn't walk without my knees shaking by the time we had finished, but it was well worth it!
I had a couple of points to consider, one was that I should slow my pace down a bit and let the Captain catch up, according to the Training Captain, I was too good at data input etc and it confused the poor man! The second point was that I had possibly become a bit flippant towards the end of the check. When asked by the Captain, in a high work-load approach, whether I wanted something done about a fuel imbalance I replied "It's not going to kill us". I thought it was a valid point, but as someone pointed out when I told them, it's probably as good as "are you taking the piss?". Point taken!

After the check, I was due to spend the evening with a friend but he is stuck in Helsinki having been delayed so I am in his apartment by myself. It has been a truly frustrating day and has once again highlighted to me how little I enjoy being on my own. I have a huge suitcase that I am dragging around, as well as my flight bag and sometimes I just want to leave it all sitting in the middle of the road, sit down and have a tantrum. Why do doors open outwards? Why do all pavements not have a flat section next to a road crossing? Why does an airport bus not have space for bags? and Why, oh why, does an apartment building with 5 floors have a lift that only goes to the 4th..?!
Having arrived in the apartment I began a search for food and decided to take a trip to the corner shop. All I could see was bread, pasta, potatoes and rice. Everything ready made was shrouded in carbohydrates and even the salad had pasta or potato in. If I wanted a pasta salad, I would buy a pasta salad, but I do not want a Caesar salad with pasta chucked in for no reason!

It took every ounce of will power not to grab a ready made pizza and be done with it. Luckily my thigh muscles were still protesting slightly and I was reminded of why it is all worthwhile. I settled on ham, cheese and tomato melts followed by a Mars Bar Ice cream... ok, so nobody's perfect!!!

I haven't managed to speak to S for over 3 days now. He is working evenings, I am working mornings and we always seem to just miss each other. I hadn't realised how much I depended on our skype calls until they were not there anymore, and on a night that I wasn't supposed to be alone, I am feeling even more alone than before. Never mind that I can fly perfectly on one engine, that I can land a plane before a fire becomes un-controllable or that I can perform a dozen checklist's by heart, I'm still just like most women out there and wouldn't mind having a man around to carry my heavy bag and open doors. We are not the weaker sex by any stretch of the imagination, but that's not saying we don't like being looked after!

Tomorrow I fly back to the UK and will spend a few days with my mother-in-law-to-be! I wish it could be time spent with my own mum, but never mind at least I am seeing some kind of family. As my hellish fortnight continues, it is time to get my head in the game for the next hurdle and as people always say.. "No rest for the wicked!".

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Fear of the week

After a wonderful few days at home with S, I am already back in Scandinavia and am missing him more than I thought was possible. It is like a drug addiction, I get a fix and it is never enough and then I have to go cold turkey... It is really hard work but I have to remind myself that it will not be like this forever.
We took a look at our wedding ring designs, S was hugely upset that they were computer generated images rather than hand drawings and to be honest, they didn't really show us much that we didn't already know. My design was incorrect which frustrated me slightly, especially as correcting it has obviously bumped up the price, not because of the mistake, but because it almost doubles the carat value of the ring! S and I discussed this price hike, and feel that it is a small amount in the wholeness of time to get what you want. We will be wearing these rings for the next 40 years (I hope!) and the added cost comes to very little when you work it out per day. I have always loved the way that S and I can come to the same conclusion using the same bizarre logic and can usually persuade ourselves into anything. The champagne and chocolates that the jewellery shop gives us every time we walk in probably help too! So we now have our perfect rings on order and I cannot wait to see the real thing!

I also got to catch up with a few friends while at home and, as all of our lives are changing so quickly, it was nice to feel time slow down for a little bit as we talked and laughed well into the small hours of the morning. I was very proud too that my weight loss has not gone un-noticed and receiving a few compliments always spurs you on. My total loss so far is now 20 lbs and I am only 1 lb away from my first goal! It has been easy so far and the results are miraculous! I took great pleasure in choosing my new goal and I have now decided that I am aiming for my "ideal" BMI which is a far lower weight than I have ever been over the last 8 years, but I am confident that I will get there! Watch this space!

This time in Scandinavia I have a whole 20 hours in my apartment before I am off to another city and country for at least a week. Yes, it is that time of the year again.. Simulator time. It is, in my opinion, the worst part of this job and if you are not actually doing your simulator test then you are working towards it, talking about it or dreading it appearing on your roster. I always seem to fair ok, and as my favourite saying goes "the harder I work the luckier I get" and so far I have been very lucky!!

The next few weeks will decide a couple of my future moves in this chess game called life and as much as I am dreading decisions being made for me, I am looking forward to the wait being over. I can deal with a plan, a solid idea of what is to come, but I do not cope well with the unknown. Whatever the outcome, this phase of my life is drawing to a close and the next is appearing on the horizon, I just hope it is not as heartbreaking, disappointing or lonely as this one has been. I feel I have paid my due.

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