Little slice of sanity

Wow! Some days I absolutely love my job!
I have never been to Mauritius but I am totally in love and definitely bidding to come back. Even just 24 hours here gives me enough to relax, recharge and feel like I have been on a weeks holiday!

I decided as soon as I saw Mauritius on my roster that I would be giving myself a break from the detox/weight loss for one night and truly enjoy some cocktails and down time. I did not think that I would have managed to wrangle some free cocktails but also end up with a bill for 9 pina coladas by the end of it but thankfully not all of them were mine... I don't think...! I cannot remember the last time I had a cocktail and I think it was actually last May when we went to Vegas!!! Unbelievable.

So after way too much food and a few too many drinks this morning I went straight back on to the detox plan and was very surprised to find out that the Aloe gel is a rather wonderful hangover cure. It required a double shot but I was able to get straight up and go out Kayaking. The water is beautifully clear and freakishly cold! Not what I was expecting as I sashayed into the water with my paddle only to end up doing the shocked "holy crap its cold" breathing as my legs lost feeling. Certainly focuses the mind to make sure you don't fall in though!
An hour of kayaking and an hour of walking along the beaches and I think I am fine in giving the gym a miss! Next time I might head out on one of the boats and check out the neighbouring islands. As I said, sometimes I really do love my job and today is definitely one of them.

Talking to the girls on Skype is hard, my littlest has started crying every time she sees me so it always makes you feel a little guilty and I hate not being able to comfort her with a cuddle. The eldest keeps asking if I am bringing home a Kangaroo ever since my trip to Australia and Im starting to think I need to show her a real life size kangaroo so she is aware that I will NEVER be bringing one home!!! She is well into the terrible twos and is pushing both my husband and I to the limit. I find it hard and upsetting especially when I am tired as we seem to spend all day at loggerheads and it is truly exhausting. I genuinely miss my little girl, she is in there somewhere I know but the enormity of her frustration, emotion and stubbornness is taking over at the moment. It must be scary for her too and while I try to remind myself that she is experiencing so many new emotions and trying to deal with her own stuff, it doesn't make it any easier.

Talking to the Captain yesterday and I have decided to put together a "what really happens" list of the hilarious stories I have experienced or heard that have happened on flights or layovers. Honestly you won't believe half of them but I swear they do happen. It should give you a laugh at least.

Time to head home now, landing back in the wee small hours of the morning and hoping that I may be able to sneak a few hours sleep in before the eldest demands my attention! I'll make a start on that list on the way....!

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Out of the fog

A post from rainy Thailand, at the moment with my work schedule my time at home with my girls is precious so I get much more done on layovers!

A while ago I wrote a blogpost that I subsequently deleted. Not for any reason other than it was not "right". I don't mean that it was illegal or rude or anything like that but it just didn't feel like it should be there. It was written when I was probably at my very lowest point after having my second baby, I was in a fog, in a slump and really questioning my sanity.
Ill post the poem that I wrote at the time:

*************************************************************************

Two beautiful souls brought into this world

Their first breaths, their smiles, a sight to behold

A gift some say, and they would be right

Though sometimes forgotten in the middle of the night

Not one to return or refund or swap

Not one you can buy in any old shop

But here they are and at what cost

Do we ever stop to ask what we have lost

I bare the scars from each today

Some go, some fade, but some will stay

Externally for all to see

Tiger stripes on a mummy tummy

No longer just me but a wife and a Mother

Life forever altered in a way like no other

Body, spirit, mind all changed

It's still worth the losses for all that we've gained

But who am I? And where am I going?

The mental scars are the ones not showing

Born again, a new persona to try

Head up, stomach in and try not to cry

The days on repeat, not a moment alone

No peace or space in your very own home

When I emerge from the fog, finally free

Will I know who I am? Will I still be me?

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Most mothers will recognise the feelings in this one, and the post essentially focused around not knowing who I was any more. It was sad, dark and not something that I wanted to keep and certainly something I never wanted my girls to read. The thoughts and concerns in the poem are real though and a softer version of how I was emotionally so I don't mind sharing that.

Yesterday was the day that I realised that these fears aren't there any more. Neither is the fog. I cannot tell you what a relief it is. The cliche of stepping out of the shadow and feeling the sun on your face is ringing in my ears right now but only because it is SO true! My littlest is nearly 8 months old and I only now can say..

I AM BACK!!!!!!

I can't pin point the exact moment it happened or what specifically snapped me out of it. Trust me I wish I could because I would want to replicate it for any mum who ever felt remotely like I did. I think writing this blog helped, having something that was mine away from the chaos and noise of young children. I know it's not for everyone, some people interested in the flying side probably hate the mum side and vice versa, but that is the way it goes. You can't label someone and assume that their entire life conforms to that label. So for all the different facets of my personality, life and being you will find a different kind of post.

I told you I was doing the C9 cleanse too, and the results have been amazing. That and a Brazilian blow out and I am not entirely sure which has been more life changing...! I was so impressed with the C9 that I have continued on with the next plan which is the FIT 1 and even more incredibly have decided to start selling the Forever living products too (in my spare time... as you do...). I am not someone who gets excited by fitness or creams but this has definitely captured my interest. I am looking forward to seeing where it goes.

So now I go back to the question in the poem... "when I emerge from the fog, finally free, will I know who I am? Will I still be me?"

Well, the answer is most definitely NO and I never expected that answer to make me so happy! Of course I am still me, but by no means the same "me" and isn't that fantastic?! I am someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's employee... but I am also just someone. 

I get to decide who and after so long of feeling like I had no identity or had no choice in the matter, that is an incredibly liberating thought.

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No conjecture here

Yesterday was a big day. My longest flight, heaviest take off and most amount of people on board. Added to that the news of the day and I think I can safely say it won't be a flight or a day I will forget in a while.

I am not going to guess or write what I think happened with yesterday's crash, I have my own ideas but I don't believe it helps anything and really it is impossible to know. We all know how ridiculous it sounds when newspapers or reporters try to guess, the article reads "they knew in advance they had a technical problem but didn't know anything was wrong, they told the tower they had a problem and the tower told them they had forgotten something, they tried to land while trying to go-around and it was definitely because of the wind or pilot error..." Yes, thanks for that enlightening article. I do wonder sometimes if the people writing this stuff actually read what they have written?? I think they are all just trying to be the person who "said it first" when really, if you say things in enough ways and say everything you can think of then of course you will have said the correct course of events first, along with 100 incorrect versions... go you, good day at the office...!

The video that I have seen from inside the cabin makes my blood boil on two accounts, one is that people are stopping to get their bags and blocking others from exiting the aircraft, if you want to kill yourself because your material possessions matter more to you than your life then go ahead, the world is probably better off without you, but don't you dare make that choice for anyone else. By blocking the aisle you are blocking people escaping and could ultimately decide their fate for them, what gives you the right to put your bags above the lives of countless other people. Although I sound annoyed about this ridiculous behaviour, I am actually more resigned to the fact that this is always going to happen, there are always going to be people grabbing their bags before they get off. Thats just a fact we are going to have to live with. Cabin crew are trained to take bags from people when they get to the door, the sharp edges and areas on bags could easily puncture an emergency escape slide, but in the heat of the moment half the time it's safer and less of a battle to just let them jump with it. I certainly wouldn't hang around playing tug of war with a passenger over a bag when dozens of other people are still trying to get out.

A note for future flyers... keep your passport ON YOU. Put it in a pocket, in your underwear, under your wig, I don't care where, just don't go rummaging around in the overhead bins looking for it when you need to evacuate. Laptops, clothes, phones etc can all be replaced, and so can passports but at least you have something that says who you are and it enables you to get home much more easily than having to apply for a replacement or getting emergency documents from your embassy. Just something to think about it at least.

My second issue with this video and the one that really has me questioning our humanity and obvious social issues is that this video is apparently (not confirmed) filmed by a mother of two who with the other hand is trying to push her two kids to the door and to safety.

Are. you. serious. 

I just cannot even start to make sense of this if this is true.
What has happened to people's priorities????? Excuse me while I get out my camera phone and film a burning aircraft while I half concentrate on pushing my kids in the right direction. Don't even get me started on her ZOOMING IN on the burning wing while still sitting on the slide!!!!! I watched the entire video yelling at the screen in exasperation and I have just screamed to myself again in frustration at the total lack of awareness, understanding or thought for the aircraft full of people trying to come down the slide behind you while you sit and refocus your camera. ARGH!

Rant over. I feel a little better now at least.

Huge kudos to the cabin crew for getting everyone out safely, you can hear the emotion and fear in one of the girls voices and despite that she remained professional and did exactly what she is trained to do. I read an article by some "expert" (if they don't say what this person is an expert in then I am instantly wary) who said "did they do well? no. They did their job". Honestly, is that really necessary? Yes they did their job but its the part of their job they hope never to have to deal with and that 90% or more will never have to do, so give them praise where praise is due. Did they do well? Yes, everyone out, no fatalities and in the end a very good outcome from what could have been a total disaster. Next time anyone moans about the cabin crew and their poor cups of tea remind them that service is their secondary job and that the person they are complaining about may well just be required to save a life later. Or maybe even 282 lives...

An eventful day and another incident that is a little too close to home, it does make you stand back and question yourself, your job, your attitude and really made me want to hug my girls and be at home with them. Unfortunately I will have to wait another 36 hours to do that.
Until then I am in the gym, diligently sticking to my C9 detox which I love and enjoying what this city has to offer. Although it's midnight now and I am about to have my lunch.. Jet lag anyone?

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Taking responsibility

It is very hard sometimes as a mum to remember that you exist. I mean that dead seriously because when all day is spent with your toddler acting like you are her personal slave, the baby needing almost constant holding because her teeth hurt and your husband needing his own time to "get stuff done" there isn't really a lot of time left for you.

There is only one person who can change that though and that is exactly what I have realised and decided to do something about. I am fed up coming last... ALL the time! Sometimes you need to be selfish and by that I do not mean ignoring your children, husband, house, family, job and suddenly turning into a "me, me, me" nightmare or as we call them here a "Jumeirah Jane". It is difficult to describe what a Jumeirah Jane is as people will read jealously into any description I give. Trust me it is not the case. Anyone who can roll out of bed at 10am and head straight to the gym for 2 hours while their maid has been up since 6am with the kids does not warrant jealously at all. Yes they have perfect hair, nails, boob jobs, clothes... they go to pilates, bikrum yoga, a massage and facial each week but they are missing the point. They are mothers and yet someone else is consistently bringing up their children while they flounce about pretending to be something they are not.

I actually feel sorry for women who can't or don't enjoy their childrens childhood. Yes sometimes toddlers make you want to scream and pull your hair out and punch something, but it is all instantly forgotten the moment they say "I love you Mummy, I always always love you" or blow teething-baby raspberries in your face at the exact moment you are about to lose it. I struggle to leave my girls with anyone else because I know I am missing out on the moments. I could give great chunks of the day (and night) away no issue but you never know when one of those beautiful gem of a moments might occur that all add up to you realising how very lucky you are and makes your heart grow that little bit more. That's usually the moment I end up writing my silly poems about because my memory is so horrific that I don't want to forget them.

Anyway, back to the point (can you tell I've just experienced one of those moments..!! I'm all rose tinted glasses again..!). The point is I decided to do something about me not existing or at least existing but not in the way I would like. I am taking responsibility... for ME!

I have organised or done a few things here and there, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because it is what I want to do with my time. It also doesn't mean that my time is time without my family although sometimes that is exactly what you need! Some are small, like solo coffee with a friend where you can actually have an uninterrupted conversation, or a brazilian blowout (which by the way is utterly amazing and I did not expect it to work so well!) and others are more important like getting healthy and getting a better more positive outlook. Today is day 1 of the C9 detox and I already feel much better. The aloe gel is absolutely vile and the fibre supplement nearly made me throw up but I am determined to stick with it and see it through. I am currently sitting staring at the last aloe shot of the day which I have already put it off drinking for an hour and am fighting an internal battle to force myself to have it but if I want honest results then I best stick to the plan! I promise I'll share my thoughts at the end, maybe even the before and after if it's good!

As far as a more positive outlook goes that is mostly internal, however one thing does bring me instantly down and that is feeling trapped or wasting days. My husband does not like the heat (wrong country to be living in!!) so during the summer he barely sets foot outside, the AC is turned down and the curtains get closed early to keep the sun out. I'm not blaming him but sometimes I find it difficult to break out of that. Now at least I realise I just need to make plans to get the girls and I, and S if he wishes, out and into the fresh (hairdryer like) air more often. E has started back at swimming lessons in our pool and we spent the morning today at the beach with friends. There is definitely something about a bit of sunshine on your face making you feel a whole lot healthier and better inside.

I am certainly looking forward to seeing what changes my realisation brings but for now I really can't put off this aloe shot much longer. If only it was tequila!

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A "break"

I arrived home from Copenhagen at 2am and crashed into bed, hastily pushing earplugs in to avoid being woken by C at all. My husband got up with the girls and I finally emerged at around 10am feeling barely human. We decided to go out for lunch which in hindsight was a seriously bad idea. I was tired from the flight, S was tired having had a broken night with C and my eldest decided that she was going to bring out the big gun tantrums specially for Mummy's return. I know it is her trying to make sense of and deal with the current changes but that doesn't always make it any easier to handle.

It is incredibly frustrating when all you want to do is have fun with her but she is whinging and whining and suddenly jealous of her sister and generally resisting anything that would actually make the day enjoyable. S then had to go to bed early to be up later that night to go to work himself.

That day is what we call a 'changeover day', it's not really a day off together as we really only have a few hours as one lands and one departs, and now I see that it is also going to be a change over day for the girls too. A day where they adjust to whichever one of us has suddenly returned and wonder when the other is leaving. Without them really knowing it I believe this is what causes them to play up, not sleep, have tantrums etc. Both S and I have found that they are much better a day later so either they are better with just one of us around or they have got over whatever caused the upset on the "changeover day".

For us its difficult as we don't really get a break. We get straight into the broken nights and sometimes tiring days that come with being a parent without ever really catching up from the lost sleep thanks to the flying. I remember when I went back to work after having E that I tried to do everything, I would land at all hours of the night and then get up with her at 6am and power through until her naps. It's not living and it wasn't fun I can tell you that. Sleep deprivation is toxic. It makes you snappy, argumentative, unhappy and a generally unpleasant person. It makes you eat badly, have bad habits, not want to do anything... it can very easily take over and you will hardly even realise how bad it has become because you are just surviving. I have promised myself that I will try not go down that road again. I will nap when I can, sleep in when I have to and try to stay on top of it. It means relying on other people a lot more (which is something I find hard to do) but for the sake of my sanity, my marriage and the girls, it is a necessary evil.

Really what I want to do is fly my parents out to Dubai, find them a nice villa/apartment to live in and have Grandparents around to play, help, cuddle and love when I am unable to. There is something so different about it being family looking after the girls and it takes most of the guilt away when you do have to leave them. Distance from family is absolutely the worst part of being an expat, and it has become even more upsetting now the girls are around.

Tomorrow is yet another changeover day, my husband and I have only had 4 proper days off together this month and it looks like it will be the much the same in August. I find that I am always looking into the future and not in the rose tinted glasses way but in the "how many days will we see each other, when are the girls left alone, is anyone around to help and can we change any flights" way. It's already the end of August in my head and I am already stressing about the fact that every weekend next month the girls will be on their own. There has to be a way to to make this work better, surely we can't be the only people in this situation!

I used to joke that I am a "stayathome-working-married-single-parent" but it's one of those 'jokes' that isn't actually that funny when it is reality. As great as equality and women rights and our right to work and all that is, it hasn't half piled the pressure on women to be everything all at once to everyone. If I stay at home with my kids then I've "wasted" my hard work and career, if I stick with the career then I'm not fully mothering my kids. Even if I had the choice right now, I'm not 100% sure what I would choose to do. On a slightly bizarre final note, why aren't men called "working dads?"... seems not everything has caught up with the whole "equality" thing just yet....! More on that later!

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Hello Copenhagen!

Hello Copenhagen

I am back at work again, flying the big bus and for the first time in a very very long time I get 24 hours in a hotel. With no babies, no husband, no distractions or interruptions.... bliss!

I just want to explain something, I know everyone is waiting to see the jet setting pictures both during the flights and in the destinations. Trust me, they will come but right now I am still "in training" and therefore have to play by the rules. You never know if the Captain sitting beside you is a strict stickler for them or relaxed and easy going so you have to err on the side of caution, especially at this stage. Usually most people don't mind and I promise you'll be getting city shots, Himalayan mountains and ice caps but you'll have to be patient. My "training" (its in inverted commas because really its just checking you can operate safely and within the procedures) will continue until September and then after that I'll just be flying with the normal line Captains and they are much more chilled out.

Anyway, back to the point. So I am here, and I am happy to say it was yet another successful flight and landing. We had some really great views today, the blood red lake Urmia in Iran, dyed by a salt loving bacteria that excretes the same pigment as found in carrots, was darker than I've ever seen. It is hard to tell that it is even water and looks like the red iron filled rocks found in places like Nevada. The weather into Copenhagen was clear and we flew low level over the bridge from Malmo which was amazing. I'm more than a little upset not to have pictures but I know I'll get another chance at some point. I do have one entertaining picture of the flight though....during the approach to land this happened...

Tail camera

I would love to have seen it actually hit, I bet any of the passengers watching the video had a bit of a shock! Of course I'm not condoning the killing of any animal but if a bird can't get out of the way of a ridiculously huge aeroplane then there isn't much I can do about it! Only problem is that the engineers here do not have a high lifter tall enough to reach the tail camera, so this will be the view for the passengers heading back too!

I have been to Copenhagen more than a few times while I was working in Sweden so I decided that this was my chance to actually just enjoy the break rather than race out sightseeing etc. A fantastic friend of mine gave me a pamper pack of face mask, hair mask and magazines so I could truly relax. This friend goes above and beyond all the time for me and my girls and I am hoping to be able to take her on a few trips so that we can have some baby free fun together as a Thank you. I may or may not document those trips on here!
So while the view from my window is very inviting I decided I would treat myself to an indulgent 24 hours. I cannot remember the last time I read a magazine in a bath, or even had a shower longer than 5 mins so I soaked until I wrinkled, watched Apollo 13 on TV while eating room service in bed and was asleep by 7pm!! Seriously, my life is all glamour right now!

View from my window

This morning I decided to start as I mean to go on and headed down to the hotel gym. I have to admit that I have not set foot in a gym for an incredibly long time so I was rather pleased to find it totally deserted! I don't mind saying that I have some baby weight to lose, but I will also say that I view my body so differently having had kids. Yes I have some scars, yes some extra weight and why on earth you have to deal with wider feet is just beyond me but yes I have those too. I am not ashamed of it though, I am not particularly happy with my current appearance but never ever think that I am ashamed. I am not. I grew, nourished and protected my two beautiful girls with this body and I can fix any of the resulting "damage" whenever I want to. Except maybe the feet...
With that in mind I decided rather impulsively that I am going to run a half marathon in December. I do this to myself a lot, I decide something and then have to work out how on earth I am going to get it done. I had announced I was doing this, roped my friend in and then had to actually look up how far a half marathon is. Oh bollucks. Too late, I've said it now so I'm just going to have to get on with it! Serves me right.

When I went back to work after my eldest I started writing her postcards from anywhere I stayed. She has a collection in her room that is going to get a whole lot larger now I'll be staying away every time I go to work. I am going to do the same for the youngest, but her collection will be a lot more exciting right from the start whereas E had to put up with Senegal, India, Senegal, Senegal again, oooh a Venice, India, Senegal... you get the picture. I gave up on scenic postcards and just went for the African animals after a while, so at least now we can get back to some pretty pictures! I'm hoping that they will enjoy reading through them when they are older and in a way know that I was always thinking of them no matter where in the world I ended up. I am very much looking forward to the day they are old enough to come with me but for now the postcards will have to do.

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First flight

Well, I can honestly say that was fun!
Yesterday was the first time I had flown an aeroplane in nearly 14 months, it just happened to be the worlds largest commercial aeroplane and the first time I had ever flown it! Hello A380, I think you and I are going to be friends.

If anyone wants to know what it's like to fly the enormous beast... fly any other aircraft and you're there. No seriously. In terms of the actual way it handles and behaves it feels like it should be half the weight, and once the flight deck door closes you do tend to forget what's behind it. The cockpit is something else though, it is much like any other Airbus, but refined. It's like all the little niggles that didn't quite work in the other planes have been ironed out, someone who cares about ergonomics has definitely been involved in it's design and it just works. The curser ball is very instinctive and even though I have only been in a few simulators and one flight I am already used to the fact that there are no buttons attached to the flight management computer and that the entire aircraft is programmed and run like a laptop! Use the cursor... type with the keyboard. Job done.

Luckily for me the training Captain was fairly relaxed, there isn't really a whole lot of training topics you can talk about on a flight that is only 1 hour and 15 minutes long and a similar length on the way back. He was well aware how long I had been away and also that I have been with the company for 5 years and so he just let me get on with it which was nice. Other people have had a few issues with landing the 380, I'm not really sure why, but I imagine that they are just thinking too hard about it. I flew into Kuwait, it was ridiculously hot, and I landed it like I would any other aircraft and it seemed to work. I am not stupid enough to say that I don't see it being a problem as any good pilot will agree, landings tend to go through phases. You have some absolutely awesome ones and then a run of it not quite working. It's just how it goes. Anyone who tells you they have never messed up a landing is either lying or has been playing flight simulator at home and isn't a real pilot!

The only time I really saw a difference from other aeroplanes was during the walk around. I will happily admit that I couldn't keep the ridiculous grin off my face. IT IS HUGE and walking around outside 100% confirms it. It has an 80m wingspan, 22 enormous wheels and 4 ridiculously large engines. I actually text a friend saying I could happily move into and live in the space provided inside one engine, and I'm not joking.

Some of the 22 wheels

As much as the aircraft is big, new and fancy it wasn't really the most interesting thing about the day. What I found most enjoyable was that I was able to be somebody I had long forgotten about. I wasn't covered in sick up, being clambered on, being asked 10,000 times what I was doing and I didn't have to go to the bathroom to get 5 minutes peace. I was able to be someone other than "Mummy" and I am not going to lie, it was nice. I love my daughters more than anything in the world don't get me wrong but I haven't had a break from them both in over 7 months and the eldest one in nearly a year. I have got up through the night with them both every night for nearly 7 months. I hadn't left them with anyone else for longer than a few hours and even when I did I felt horribly guilty. Yesterday was a bit stressful leaving the house, my husband was sick and so went back to bed, E was quite upset that I was going to work and C hasn't been sleeping well and is teething so all in all I ended up with a rushed 30 mins to get the work done I needed to do and get out of the door.

Once I was in the car on the way to work I realised how quiet it was, how I didn't really have a choice to go or not and so there wasn't anything I could feel guilty about. I'm sure you'll laugh when I say that I suddenly felt like I had different skin on. The banter on the flight deck started immediately and continued the entire duty and it's something I didn't even realise I missed. I am however now acutely aware of how much of "me" I have lost along the way. It's good to be reminded that there is more to me than "Mummy" and that I don't have to choose to be one or the other, I'm hoping the two can co-exsist.
We will just have to wait and see, in the meantime, I have some small people needing my attention..



"Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself"

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Tales of a 2 year old

As I've mentioned a few times now, my eldest daughter tends to keep us on our toes. She was born intelligent, no I am not boasting or biased, it's just a fact. Her intelligence has absolutely nothing to do with me, I can guarantee that! She was also born with ants in her pants, she literally cannot keep still. When I was pregnant with her I used to say it was like having a ninja octopus growing inside me, I had bruised ribs for weeks and have a video that clearly shows her jumping on the bed.. from inside my womb. Freaky doesn't even cover it.

The first day she was born she stayed awake for over 8 hours and as we didn't really know any different we just assumed this was the beginning of the normal baby induced sleep deprivation. It didn't take us long however to figure out that actually our little one week old was suffering from a serious case of FOMO (fear of missing out). Any noise, any movement, anything at all would stop her sleeping or eating and excuse the over sharing but my nipples were raw from her suddenly pulling off them to spin around and see what was going on, she actually tore one at one point and as soon as her first tooth came through I decided I wasn't risking it any more!

When she was a little older and we were trying the whole "put her in the cot half asleep and let her fall asleep herself" malarky we were despairing at how someone so small could fight sleep for so bloody long! She moved so much and so continuously that we had to pin her down to give her a fighting chance of going to sleep. I have pictures from the baby cam that look like major child abuse is going on as you can't tell that the hands are only gently holding her still rather than in a vice like grip, even so it could take 30-40 minutes holding her still for her to finally drift off. I used to think it was something I had done, was I too quiet at the beginning, did I let her fall asleep feeding too often, did I not do the pat-pat shh-shh correctly... A few people have tried to blame me for it, and thank god we have had another one since because otherwise I might have thought they were right. Now at least I am well aware that it had absolutely NOTHING to do with me!

Our second one sleeps like an absolute angel so far, I cannot tell you the difference. It's like I've been awarded a prize for dealing with all the sleep issues that the first one (still) has! Put the second one in the cot and off she goes all by herself without so much as a squeak. She sleeps in the car seat, in the pram, in her cot, on the sofa, in 35 degree heat... she's even fallen asleep mid playing on her play mat. Don't even try to tell it's because we are more relaxed with the second one or anything like that because I will only say to you over and over again.... There is no way I could have got it SO wrong in the first 24 hours of E's life that a brand new day old baby would stay awake for 8 hours. Not a chance.

So with all that said, we now have this intelligent, hyperactive, inquisitive 2 year old who still has major FOMO. She drives me absolutely crazy on a daily basis, mainly because at the moment her favourite question is "what are you doing?" which sounds so benign until its the 40th time she's asked it in the space of an hour and you're still doing the same thing you were when it started. I have resorted to asking her what she thinks I'm doing and most of the time she answers correctly, then asks again anyway. She's also going through the horrific phase of wanting whatever it is she said two minutes ago that she didn't want. We have endless conversations that go:

"Can you get ready for the bath please"

"No thank you, I don't want a bath" (yes she is very polite and always says please and thank you!)

"You don't want a bath? Ok, would you like a shower?"

"NO!!!! (starts crying) I want to get in the bath!!!"

It's not so much the terrible twos more like the terrible indecisions! 

Some days she has us in hysterics with the things she comes out with. When in England earlier this year we were out in the forest and a HUGE horse walked towards us, without thinking I said "woah, hello big boy" which went totally unnoticed by her, or so I thought. A few weeks ago my husband walked into the kitchen to be greeted with a deadpan "Hello big boy" from our 2 year old. He stoically managed to keep a straight face and breeze on past it.

A few days ago she asked him "Daddy like big girls?" it took us so much by surprise that neither of us could help but fall about laughing. I know I've put on a bit of weight but it did make me wonder what he had been saying! It turned out she was asking if he liked the song "big girls don't cry" but it did take us a while to get to the bottom of that one!

Sometimes it's hard to remember that she is only just 2, and I always get upset when I realise that I have been expecting a bit much from her and not letting her just act/be her age. Other times, I am painfully reminded of her age and the vulnerability that it brings, especially now when so much in her little world is changing. She woke me up countless times the other night and I decided to try to get to the bottom of it. Instead of getting annoyed I hugged her and talked to her. When her sleepy little voice said "mummy going away again? now?" my heart could easily have shattered for her. She had been so fine about me going to work and had made barely any fuss each time that I hadn't even thought that it was affecting her at all. The night before this one I had put her to bed and had left for work before she woke up, so now each time she goes to bed she is wondering if I'll be there in the morning. Thats a lot of worry for such a little person.

All I can do is keep trying to talk to her. I have never and will never lie to her, so if I have to go to work I will tell her thats the case, I won't be slipping out while she's sleeping without telling her, or leaving while she is distracted. As I say to her every time and she repeats to me, "Mummy always comes back" and for now, that will have to do.

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A letter to my friends

Dear Friend,

Im sorry I haven't called you, that I haven't been around. You must feel that I've neglected you and I don't blame you at all for that. We used to meet for coffee, lunch, drinks and wander the shops together if we fancied it. I had time, life was slow, it was easy to say "lets meet up", "lets do something".

I can't explain my life to you, the days just whizz on by, it's constant chaos in my head, like shouting that you can't contain, can't stop and can't quieten down. I'm already thinking about next week, when am I here, when am I gone, who is taking E to nursery, will I ever get my hair done. It doesn't stop at night, I'm seeing spiders in the bed, catching clocks that aren't falling, putting a dummy in, taking a blanket off, what time do I leave for work in the morning? It's a huge jumble of everything right now and that includes you of course. I wonder what you're up to, are you happy, are you content, I wish that I had called you, or even sent a text, I'm sorry that I didn't but please know that I thought to.

I haven't forgotten about you and I do care about your day.

Some days you hear from me more than others, a gentle plea from a friend in need, please pop in if you can. My babies will be alone you see, not for one hour, one afternoon or even one day. They are alone and stuck in the house, this time for two days, next time maybe more. I know I haven't been there for you and you deserve so much more, but please don't leave me now. I hope you know that if you ever needed me I would be there, no questions asked, no matter how busy, I’d hide the body, I’ll drive you home, I’ll listen to your sorrows.. just call me, don't forget about me because I am here and I care.

I know things will settle and be easier to handle, we will go for lunch, for a drink or two, you watch, I promise, I’ll be back soon.

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A poem for little people

As I walk away you're crying

You don't want me to go

I always hate to leave you

I really hope you know 

Someone else will hug you

And tell you it's ok

That Mummy will be home soon

But maybe not today

You'll play up and be cheeky

Or maybe good as gold

But when you need some help

It's not my hand you'll hold

My mind is on my work

But my heart is there with you

I'm sorry I can't be there

in everything you do

I'll hear about it later

I'll nod and smile and say

"I'm so glad they were ok

And had a lovely day"

Inside my heart will break

just a little bit each time

I won’t admit to anyone

that really I'm not fine

I'm sure you won’t remember

it will just be normal

only my head and heart

will stay in constant turmoil

I don’t want you forgetting

“Mummy always comes back”

It's important that you know that

for when you see me pack

I'll slip in during the night

or just as you awake

or as you’re eating dinner

or a naughty slice of cake

whatever time it is

you always get a kiss

so you know that Mummy's home

and that Mummy got her wish.

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More training

I went back to work after maternity leave for one day before being told that I was no longer going to be flying the A330/340 but would now be moving over to the A380. Everyone else in the word would be over the moon at this, but for us it just creates a whole new bucket of stress. Each and every time I go to work I will be gone for minimum 3 days. My husband is also on the A380 so the same applies to him. Now tell me, when the horrific day comes that we both get sent away at the same time... can you picture yourself leaving a 2 year old and a 7 month old for 3 maybe more days at a time without EITHER parent in the country???

No. I can't either. Its insane.

That thought alone is causing me serious anxiety right now, and although a very good friend of mine has said she will help me out, it doesn't really take the sting out of it. I am just going to have to pray and hope that it doesn't happen for a long time and not until the girls are a bit more grown up. Fat chance I think. Does it class as child abuse? In the UK now they have started allowing children to prosecute their parents for "emotional neglect"... Im pretty sure being left without a parent for that long (of course there will be an adult with them lets just state that now before anyone jumps to any ridiculous conclusions) could qualify as emotional neglect?!

It doesn't bare thinking about right now and as a mum you always jump to the "what if's" and I can tell you that it has given me some horrific nightmares.

So, Im trying to just get through one day at a time at the moment and not think too far into the future. Head in the books again and back in the simulator with an elderly captain who seems incapable of working computers. Not a problem unless you plan on flying an aeroplane that is run entirely with computers.... oh. I'll give him his dues though he is like an eagle in the air, but the sloth on the ground is starting to wear thin.

I'm off sick today, the girls have had horrible stomach bugs and seems I was doomed to catch it eventually. It is not pleasant at all. Ive lost 4kgs over night and so far no sign of it slowing. When I do feel better I have to make up the lost sim on a day off and so will end up doing 4 simulators in a row, which is pretty hardcore on a new aircraft. It doesn't help that S will be in Sydney at the time so Ill be attempting to get my preparation done around nappy changes and 2 year old tantrums. I can't wait.

Back to the books now before the girls and S get back from the mall. Then its the rollercoaster of bedtime and I'll be ready to pass out myself. Fingers crossed no more being sick though!

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There you are!

Well, what a shock! I really didn't expect to come back to this blog, especially having re-started it elsewhere!

Ive enjoyed reading through the previous posts and laughing at how much has changed, I mused here about what life would be like in 5 years time and... here I am! This blog is like a little time capsule!

Turns out I was wrong about a few things. More unfortunately wrong about a few people. None of it life threatening or hugely important though and no doubt I still have a lot more to be wrong about in the future!

Short post just to say that I will be slowly moving my recent posts back to this blog. I much prefer blogger and am more comfortable with how it works but being somewhat computer illiterate I am going to have to do the good old copy and paste I think which may take a while. Time is not something I have a lot of right now but I will do my best!

Welcome back to my inner ramblings!

Editors note: I have now completed moving the posts over. To keep true to the memories I have kept them in date order so they will actually appear before this post.

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Two already??

This week my little girl turns 2. I can't quite believe it. I feel like it was only two seconds ago I was pregnant with her.. Oh no wait, that was the littler one..!

It makes me think about how I was feeling at this moment 2 years ago. Pregnancy throws all sorts of emotions and hormones your way but the last week was just so overwhelming for me.

Granted at the time I was still up a ladder painting the nursery, doing all the paperwork for my mother-in-laws new house and generally missing my mum. It was a contentious issue during my pregnancy whether my mum could be here shortly after the birth, my husband categorically said no. He couldn't understand why my mum should be here and his shouldn't. I think he gets it more now, men unfortunately always seem to see and understand things like that later.

That's beside the point though. The point is that you suddenly realise that this thing you've been nurturing and loving and already worrying about is suddenly going to be here, out.. And mobile. I had real trouble handing her over to other people, apparently that's quite normal and I'm not the only one, but I do remember the exact moment I realised it would have to happen. Of course I wrote a poem about it.

So as we come up to her second birthday here is my poem for my then beautiful unborn Pigeon.

Today your mine

But who knows tomorrow

The thought of sharing you

Fills me with sorrow

Your wriggles and kicks

Are mine to behold

And no one else notices

Unless they've been told

At night time daddy

gets kicked in the ear

And for him I'm happy

Your arrival is near

But You'll always be

My sweet little pigeon

Who gets the hiccups

And gives me indigestion

I can feel you moving now

And it makes me smile

You're running out of space

But we still have a while

Soon People will want

To Cuddle and coo

And it won't be as easy

As just me and you

Our now special bond

Will grow further apart

Until one day

Someone else steals your heart

But remember little pigeon

That I loved you first

So much so

I thought I would burst

You're the closest to my heart

That anyone could be

And I'll always remember

When it was just you and me x

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Rebirth

So I said I had written this blog before, and I have. A few years ago I lost my job, made redundant with a whole bunch of other pilots. It's quite daunting at the age of 24 to have mortgage payments, bills, car costs etc and be sent packing from a company you honestly thought you could stay with very very long term. I was lucky with my first job, landed on my feet as they say and managed to get in with a great company flying 737s and then.. They just didn't need me anymore!

So I finally managed to find a job.. In Sweden. Not ideal. I don't like the cold for starters. I don't mind the odd skiing holiday but I like to return somewhere I know it won't take 20 minutes to leave the house because you're busy putting 16 layers on. Second, my boyfriend (now husband!) lived in northern England.

If you need to pay bills you need a job though so off I went. Rented out my lovely apartment in England and swapped it for a room above a family home overlooking a beautiful lake. Far far away from anywhere! It was winter, it was Sweden. 

It turns out I'm not too good left on my own too long, especially in the cold and dark. I started feeling rather sorry for myself and well verging on totally depressed. It was hard. Really hard. So I started a blog, this blog, well, not this exact one, the other this one.

Like now, it was anonymous, it was only of interest to my mum and a few loyal friends and I tried to just write what went on or what was in my head as it was, but leaving out the dark depressing boring parts!

The problem was that someone didn't like it. Didn't like me writing it. Told me so enough times that I started to doubt that I should. To keep that person happy I stopped. I stopped doing the only thing keeping me sane and giving me a bit of pleasure at the time. Maybe the person didn't know what it meant to me, maybe I should have been stronger and said "no, this is my choice, my life and thank you for your opinion but it makes me happy" but I didn't. I saved the posts on my computer and I shut down the blog.

Unfortunately, doing something soley for someone else's happiness and in spite of your own can lead to a drop of resentment. I really really regret stopping. I so wish I hadn't. I'm even more annoyed now that I've only managed to find 14 of the old blog posts and they are not the best ones. I don't write a diary and this could have been my diary. From that cold, sparse and lonely room to the sunshine, sand and baby filled now, it would have been a great journey to have written down. 

Even if only for my mum and those loyal friends.

Editors note: I restarted the blog on wordpress, subsequently found this original blog in the depths of the internet and have now shifted the newer posts back to here. It's a bit messy but at least I have all my old posts back and a great timeline of events.

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Let us begin... (again)

I write little poems. I always have. It's a way I find to release the thoughts in my head and keep them somewhere else for a while, it keeps them organised I find. I also like looking back and feeling how I was feeling when I wrote each one. I have a horrific memory, I usually only remember things if there is a picture of it and so this is another way of trying to remember.

It's not the usual way to start a blog, it's also not how I planned to! Then again, this isn't the start. This blog existed before, in another time and another place, a time when I very much needed it, but we will get to that later. So although this is the first post it is not the start, it is the rebirth!

This is an evolving poem, I first wrote it four years ago and have added to it since. I know which bits were from then and which for now, some parts are more relevant now than others but they all matter in some way, so I have never deleted a verse only added, and may continue to in the future. 

By a moon and star lit pool
Six years ago today
You asked me to be yours
And took my breath away

A year later we were married
Though not everybody knew
A simple little service
We shared with just a few

Off into the sunset
We set forth on our own
Finding in a desert land
A place we now call home

That year we did it all again
The dress, the suit, the flowers
And got to go on honeymoon
And face the monsoon showers

A boat, a house, a change of fleet
We gave it all a whirl
we soon became a family of three
With a beautiful baby girl

Last year big birthdays for us both
In Vegas with our friends
And the shock arrival of number two
Before the year was at its end

Now two is four and life has changed
In ways we never guessed
Each day filled with our little girls
With which we are so blessed

On this day, where will we be
In all the years to come
So much still lies in front of us
So much we haven't done

Wherever life will take us
Our footsteps in the sand
We'll walk the path together
Strolling hand in hand

And yet we will remember
Six years ago today
For It was the day you asked me
And I gave my heart away.
💕

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