Cooking

I have just returned home from a "glamourous" night stop that would certainly not live up to anyone's preconceived ideas! I shared my bed with a number of other beings last night and while this would normally have me running in the opposite direction, I was actually too tired to care! I noticed the ants when I was first in the room, but it was only when I threw back the covers to get into bed that I saw I would be sleeping with a few too. I have to admit the stop wasn't all bad though, I did try out the hotel spa and have decided I now know how a chicken feels on a sunday..

Continuing my diet and weight loss plan, I decided to opt for something that was beneficial as well as relaxing. So having been led to a tiny massage room I am told to take everything off and put these paper knickers on. Well, I am not being funny but I have NEVER been able to work out which way round these things go. One side is marginally larger than the other so does that go at the front or at the back? If it goes at the front then you are left wearing the equivalent of a thong and if it goes at the back.. well lets not put an image in your head for that one!! So already i'm feeling a little flustered as I am convinced the therapist will be sniggering when she comes in and I have got these things on backwards (I opted for the thong version in the end, in case you were interested!). I am waiting patiently, face down, on the electrically heated bed when I hear the door open and in comes the therapist. No sniggering yet so I relax a little. Then, in a remarkably male sounding voice the therapist asks if I am comfortable. Yes, there I am naked except for dubious paper underwear, with my backside in the air and wishing that the hole for my face would get bigger and swallow me entirely.
To be fair, he was very professional and discrete and I gave myself a good telling off for succumbing to the stereotype that therapists are female. I reacted exactly the way my passengers have reacted to me being female and I should have known better! At least for my passengers, they are not semi naked when they make the discovery that either sex can do any job they like.

The first part of the treatment consisted of being exfoliated with a mix of oil and salt and I couldn't help feeling like I was being basted and seasoned like a Jamie Oliver meat joint. After washing the salt off, your body is lathered in hot mud, you are wrapped in plastic, covered in towels and the electric bed is turned up a notch. The idea is to sweat out toxins whilst attempting to relax. Of course in reality, you are never as comfortable as you would like and always feel guilty that you are not in the perfect position. The therapist had made the room dark and quiet and the fact that I really needed to move my legs would have ruined that ambience, so I stayed put and let my feet slowly lose feeling, but when my nose started itching I lost the battle and could not help but giggle at my situation. This led to the towel falling off my eyes, the plastic making a horrendous noise and my giggling to erupt into full on hysterical laughter. When I finally calmed down and it was time to unravel me I couldn't stop myself saying "dinner's ready, the meat is done!" to which the therapist replied "but there are no potatoes!" Cue hysterical laughter once again...